Torn Between Two

Three

Everything has been off balance between the three of us as of lately. I can feel the tension brewing and it sucks. We used to be thick as thieves and now everything has changed for the worse. I miss the time I spent with the both of them. Now I can either spend time by my lonesome or with Cole. Thinking how our friendship has soared to new limits is mind boggling to the say the least. I would have never expected that to happen.

Cole spending more time with me must make Justin irritable as s**t, but why should he have any say in who I spend my time with? He himself has been following Mandy around like a love sick puppy but then gives me why him eyes when he looks at the two of us laughing at the silliest things. Cole just gets me in that brotherly way. He knows exactly whenI am upset, sad, angry, or just waiting to wreak havoc when I am just bored to hell. Justin could jump in whenever he wants but he chooses not to and for that I can't kill myself about.

Honestly, I can't take it anymore. I need to wipe whatever feelings I have for him out of my system because the more I overthink things, the further I fall into this abyss that I know I will never rise to the surface from if I keep allowing myself to be further drowned.

It is getting warmer outside with it being May and all now, which means the summer is fast approaching. That being said, it also means that we will be graduating and moving on to high school within a few short months. Now this is where my anxiety kicks up. High school is full of egotistical, high and mighty teenagers that think they are gods gift to the world.

Here I am, the geeky girl that used to be the girl version of Richie Rich which feels like a lifetime ago. I sport glasses because I cringe having to put contacts in my eyes. I feel like they frame my face pretty well which is a plus. I have an average size body. I wasn't blessed with an hour figure curvaceous body, but my body I think will suffice. I'll probably be scrutinized for it, and my self esteem will take a nasty nosedive. Damnit. These are the things I am beginning to dread.

I may know how to defend myself and my exterior is hard as a shell, but my interior is of a scared fragile girl. Just look how I am handling this Justin situation. My heart was severely damaged for the first time now what will happen it it happens again, and again, and again? How the hell will I deal with the emotional turmoil once I step foot into high school?

More f*****g drama awaits me. I just know it.

Justin and Cole started out being two of my best friends that felt like brothers but now that is all shot to hell. I though I'd have them by my side come HS. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I don't need to be the girl in the middle. They are brothers and that's that. They'll be the most popular freshmen walking into high school beginning the very first day. Mandy will start the social hierarchy by being Justin's girlfriend so the chances of me remaining their friend is slim to none. I'll be a distant memory to them. They won't want anything to do with me.

I need to get a grip.

All the overthinking is giving me the ultimate migraine.

Since the weather is becoming more tolerable, I decide against eating in the cafeteria and have to endure continuing to watch as Justin crawls more up Mandy's a*s. The jealousy coursing through me is palpable. Cole, bring Cole and all, has his own s**t to deal with without needing to babysit my a*s, so eating by myself is the best idea. I head out to where it all began because I am a masochist that likes to torment myself and sit my a*s on the bleachers that once held such importance for me for all but two minutes some time ago.

I sit and stare out into the field and take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. Once again life will be changing and hopefully it will change for the better. I remember telling myself that I wasn't looking for any drama but here I am. In a boatload of it

Go figure.

"Here you are. I was looking all over for you." Justin says from behind me because all I need is to hear his voice to know it is him. I don't bother turning around and continue to stare at the field.

"Here I am. Why were you looking for me? I thought for sure Mandy had captivated your attention that you forgot all about me." I say sounding like a complete b***h but I guess my inner self which is my heart is not done tormenting the rest of me and needs to unleash its fury.

"You know that isn't true Hannah. I never meant to hurt you, you know that. Please tell me you know that." He says deciding to sit right beside me also staring out onto the field. He knee brushes against mine and I suck in a harsh breath. I move over to not feel anything. I can't and I don't want to feel anything.

Not anymore.

I turn to him and just decide to release it all.

"Do I Justin? You seem to think that what you did literally right below where we are sitting right now meant nothing and I get it. I'm not beautiful like Mandy and her picture perfect made for the big screen face and her double deckers she sports on her chest but you do realize that I am a person with feelings, right?" His Adam's apple bobs up and down and he stares so intently at me that it makes me nervous.

"Why did you even kiss me in the first place if you knew all along that I'd be the ultimate mistake? Why would you put this friendship we had into the grinder and ruin everything? If I wasn't worth it from the beginning then you should have never done what you did. You should have gulped down that need and buried it so deep that it would have never been able to escape. I didn't nor do I right now need the constant reminder that I was and always will be a regret for you. I can't be around you. I can't be around Cole either anymore. We were all supposed to be the best of friends. You yourself told me I was your second family. Thanks for taking that feeling away from me J." I literally am pouring my heart out on the bleachers to this boy beside me and I rise to make my escape because the tears are about to fall full force and I don't need him to see me ugly cry.

Not now.

Not ever.

Before I can take a step down, he grabs my wrist and holds on to me so tightly that I wince slightly.

"I kissed you because I wanted to. I had been wanting to kiss you ever since the first day I met you but every god damn time my brother would become closer and closer to you, I knew deep down that I had no chance with you. He even has a nickname for you and I hate it. Every time he uses that damn name sweet cheeks, I want to f*****g vomit. Even now Hannah, he is all over you. He slept over your damn house!" He says and my eyes go wide.

"Nothing happened!" I quickly say and he holds his other hand up to silence me.

"You don't think watching my own brother falling for the girl that was supposed to be mine doesn't hurt like a f*****g b***h? You think I don't realize that maybe somehow Cole has been the first guy to kiss you? That's all I kept thinking. Even now. I have this only feeling that he has and when I kissed you, all I could see was hurting my own brother and because he is my brother, I would always choose him over anybody, including you. I might sound like a duck but it's the truth. He is my flesh and blood. I can't hurt him so if I had to hurt you in the process than I'm sorry but, can't you understand why I did what I did?" He says while looking into my eyes and feeling his stare penetrate through to my soul makes me want to flee.

"You should have said something. Anything, Justin. If you would have just asked, you would have found out that Cole has no intention of ever wanting me. He told me himself. He told me he knew how you felt about me and only wanted to egg you on so you could snap out of whatever indecisiveness you might have but you are just too damn stubborn for your own good. Cole never, ever kissed me. He has been a solid friend. A friend that has been there to pick up the pieces whenever anything has been rough. I've been through a lot Justin. Been through a s**t ton of hurt and for you to hurt me like that f*****g sucks. Do me a favor though because since you adamantly said that you would choose your flesh and blood over anybody else then don't categorize me as your second family anymore. We are graduating soon and we will be going on with our lives and then moving on with our futures. If you don't see me as being a part of that in any capacity then let this end right here and right now. I'll fill Cole in on whatever is about to happen. The ball is in your court now because I give up." I say while trying to slither my way out of his hold but he is defiant for some damn reason to let me go.

He doesn't get to kick me where it hurts repeatedly and still latch on to me like I am his life line. He goes to speak but then the other part of our triad comes strolling up to where we are, definitely feeling the tension and seeing how his brother has a tight grip on me, his face immediately falls.

"Fill me in on what?" Cole says before coming to stand between us right where Justin is holding onto my wrist.

"I can't keep coming between you two. You two are brothers and I am just me. Thank you for being my friend and everything but I think it's time for us to go our own way. High school is right around the corner and someone like me will never fit in the social setting that is awaiting the two of you. You two will be the kings over there and I will merely be a waste of space." I finally pull myself out of Justin's grip but Cole decides to take his place.

"Sorry sweet cheeks but I am not losing you as my friend nor will I ever think about casting you away when it comes to us being friends in high school. You are like the sister I never wanted..." He gives me that stupid smirk and I roll my eyes thanking him for the little bit of humor to add to this shitshow.

"And I am not giving that up." He says to me then glances over at his brother who is just standing there speechless.

"Seriously bro?" He says glaring at Justin.

"You are willing to give up your friendship with Hannah for your piece of a*s Mandy? Don't tell me that this is all because you think I like Hannah or something. I have told you time and time again that Hannah is just Hannah to me. She is like a sister and there are no romantic feelings whatsoever. I care for her deeply like any brother would. If you don't understand that by now then I don't know what more I can say to help you understand that but I am not losing her." Cole says adamantly and pulls me to follow him off the bleachers to leave Justin to process everything that was just said to him. He dug his own grave so he can find a way out of it by himself.

We walk back into the school without saying a word to each other, grateful for the silence. I head straight for my locker and decide that I need to leave. My last class of the day is simply an elective course so I take my backpack, tear out my headphones, and make my way towards the exit only to hear on the intercom a reminder message for the Senior Dance coming up in two weeks.

"Don't forget seniors, the Senior Dance is not too far away. It is the final end of year celebration before you rascals go off into the big leagues becoming high school students. Don't forget also to vote for your king and queen. Will it be Marcus and Elizabeth or Justin and Mandy? All up to you kids! Enjoy your weekend and don't forget to vote!"

Ugh.

Only more of a reason to get out of this hellhole because everywhere I go the power couple always follows tearing my inners just a little bit more.

I slip out of the school unnoticed and put my headphones in my ears and crank up my playlist to the highest volume, not giving a damn if it makes me deaf or not. I take a detour instead of going straight home and walk towards the beach that is not too far away from my building.

I walk along the boardwalk and just absorb the sun beating down on me while listening to all my favorite music when it pauses letting me know I have an incoming text message. I decide not to even look at it and continue my pity party now heading to walk along the water. Something about being near the ocean is so peaceful and serene. The smell of the salt water keeps my mind and body relaxed. I place my backpack down on the sand and sit on it just watching the waves crash to the shore line and the seagulls dipping into the water catching their meals.

I don't even realize that my whole afternoon has been spent there until I see the sun starting to set. I gather my things and head on out wishing I could just stay there. One day I will be buying myself a beach front house only to wake up and go to bed with the sound of the water right outside. That is definitely on my bucket list.

I make my journey back to my building where once again one of the double trouble brothers are pacing back and forth and this time it isn't the one I was expecting. This time it is the one that I least expected to show his face. He turns and sees me coming standing there looking all pissed off.

"Where the hell have you been?" He says with a hint of fury in his eyes but soon fades away when he sees that I am safely home.

"I needed to escape so I escaped to the only place that gives me solace, the beach. Why does it even matter? You said your peace and I am home safe and sound so you can leave now. Don't keep lover girl waiting for the likes of me J." I step past him to get to my door only for him to rush in front of me to halt me from going inside.

"Can you just stop thinking that the only one who matters to me is Mandy? Sure she is my girlfriend but for s**t sakes Hannah, you have been a part of me for much longer than she has. Please just stop doing this." He says just looking at me with guilt and whatnot. Th fact that he just called Mandy his girlfriend is like a bucket of cold water that has been dumped over my head. That was the final straw for me. This needs to end now. However, I decide to entertain his presence and cross my arms against my chest needing closure.

"Stop doing what may I ask? You just said it yourself that Mandy is your girlfriend and you have already said that you would choose flesh and blood over anybody else, more specifically me, just before. Why even be here worrying about me? Why even care? You tossed me aside long ago J. I am just trying to keep it real. I can't go through the whiplash you are throwing at me. You are here for me and then you aren't. You care for me and then you don't. I am done and oh so tired of being the odd man out now. Just go. Please. Whatever we were ends now." I bring my arms down and dig for my keys that are in my bag and step away from him inching closer to my door.

"For f**k sakes Hannah! I am an i***t okay? I f****d up the best thing I had in my life because I was too thickheaded to see what was really going on. I surely thought my brother was infatuated with you and wanted you for himself but I don't know how to fix any of this. I can't walk away from Mandy without hurting her and I can't walk away from you without hurting myself." He says and I laugh. I laugh so hard that I can barely breathe. He looks at me like I have lost my mind and maybe I have.

"You're joking with me right now aren't you? You can't hurt Mandy but it is okay to hurt me like you have because you don't know how to fix the mess you made? Do you even hear yourself right now? Okay, never mind, forget I even asked. Go home J. What's done is done. You cannot stand here declaring that you f****d up and then declare that you can't hurt Mandy but maintain that I am just as important and keep me as your dirty regrettable little secret. s**t doesn't work like that. I deserve so much better." Tears threaten to fall down my face but I blink them away.

"Goodbye Justin." I say before he has a chance to say anything else and turning and opening my door and quickly heading inside. I don't dare look back or through the window because I know he is still there. I head up to my apartment, let myself in, and immediately head to my room to drown myself in tears. I head straight for my bed and ugly cry into my pillow for god knows how long until sleep overtakes me and all I can dream about is the boy who has the ability to break everything inside of me.