To Love and Avenge

Chapter 46

My phone started to ring again and again this time but I chose not to answer. I was not yet ready and I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be spared from any burden of additional dramas of explaining myself to anyone.

But, they seemed to be consistent. The frequent calls from Dauis, Daven, Allen, and Shiela were alternately calling me nonstop. And it annoyed me more.

Aren't they supposed to give me time instead? I want to have a break from all of this.

What does Dauis want this time? To show that he can fool around and make fun of me? Or to mock me? Either way, he succeeded in his plans of making me fall for him and dump me if he feels so.

So what I did, out of anger, was, slam my phone into pieces on the pavement wherein I currently slumped, and cried helplessly.

I was upset, hurt and everything you call it, but so did my stomach. Maybe it was because of the alcohol I took.

Feeling a little better after throwing up countless times, I drove sluggishly again.

I shouldn’t let myself lose control despite the mixed emotions I got. The heaviness and the stabbing-like feeling of my pained heart worsened my now upset stomach. My vision, though blurry due to non-stop crying, was staring straight into the road. To have an accident and die on the road was my last priority. I cannot die unless I have fulfilled my desires.

Especially now.

Arriving at the bunk, I quickly went straight to underground level 2. Where in I could freely and safely throw my anger by mustering my inner self. Thus, venting my anger at the pieces of equipment available in shaping one's skills.

I even vent it to the punching bag near me. Punching it like I was punching that woman’s face until it deforms and is crushed. Kicking and punching again and again tirelessly. Pouring all my energy into it until I feel drained all over. Until I couldn't lift a leg anymore.

I thought that after afflicting my physical body, my heart would eventually get numb and stop hurting. But I was wrong. It was still hurting even more, moreover, when I remember the laughter and smiles that he once shared with me.

My whole being was afflicted.

Feeling exhausted and torn, I lay on the floor, with arms and legs spreading outward. Despite the tiredness of my physical body, my mind, heart, and soul were still tirelessly aching.

I cried hard there the whole time.

I shouldn’t have let my guard down. I shouldn’t have let myself fall for him. I shouldn’t… I thought

A lot of regrets enveloped me, but what I can say? To feel a kind of love is spectacular.

“Mom… d’you hear me!?” “D’you hear your child? I am in great pain mom…” I called out. Screaming my heart out. I felt like I was being stabbed again and again.

And the soaring pain was getting unbearable from time to time, making me helplessly feel worn out.

“I’m tired and worn out!” I continued to scream as my sobs became wails.

“Why do I have to feel this way, mom? Why do I have to be alone again and again? Why can’t they just let me be happy?” I whispered nowhere, still crying, hardly crying while I clutched my chest.

“I’m so tired mom, so tired… that I wanted to rest. Why do I have to suffer like this? Was I ungrateful enough that I should have to undergo such a tormenting pain?” I curled up hugging my knees up to my chest as I continued to cry. Staying at it as I recalled my sweet memories with her. So do my bitter-sweet memories with Dauis.

“I need you, mom, more than anyone. More than anything… more than ever, I need you. I always do.”

I repeatedly plead as if my mom will come and take me to her embrace when she hears.

“I missed you so much mom, I wish you were here to hold me when I couldn’t do more. And lead me when I lost my direction. But where are you mom? You left me alone to face the whole world,” I said as I continued to call her.

I lay on that very cold floor. Crying and repeatedly calling for mom. Until I feel nothing, even the cold tiled floor doesn't bother my bare skin. Soaked with sweat, I closed my eyes.

then...

Someone then ran in my direction and held me. Repeatedly calling my name, but, I was too tired and too weak to open my eyes. Until my consciousness left me and pulled me into the abyss of darkness.

“Holy sh*t! Ale, Ale wake up. D'you hear me? Wake up Ale.” he called out while constantly shaking me. Unfortunately, it was the last thing I heard…

… then I was lifted.

“MOM! You came. Where have you been? Please don’t leave me again. I need you now, I need you always.” I pleaded in front of the woman who was smiling brightly next to me.

“You’re doing great, child. You’ve grown up strong with a beautiful heart,” she said, comforting me. Looking earnestly at her, without blinking my eyes, afraid that she would disappear again this time.

I reached out to her hands, imprisoning hers with mine. My once cold heart of mine started to warm up. But the pain intensifies the moment she pulls me and embraces my now torn body and soul. Kissing the top of my head, she said,

“Always believe in your heart. I will always love you Ale, more than you know.”

Tears trickled down my cheeks as I clung to her, holding her this time tightly as if we could go back to times wherein I lost my grip on her, resulting in separating me from her. I don't want to lose her this time again.

I don't want it to happen. She held me silently in place as she stroked my hair down to my back.

I always long for this time to come, always.

“You don't have to always act tough, child. You sometimes need to be just you.”

Hearing that, I looked up at her and saw the tears in her eyes.

“Mom…”

“You’ve pushed yourself too much.”

“Because it is what I think is right,” I responded despairingly.

“Is that what your heart is telling you? Open yourself to everyone. Open your eyes and let it see what’s around you, not what you only want to see in it.”

“It's confusing.”

This time, she pushed me away from her, wiping my tears away and smiling at me knowingly.

“You are my child, I know, you are lost, you are in great pain that pushes you to become like this. Please, I beg you, turn back child, turn back before it’s too late.”

Then, the blinding light from behind her started to grow bigger and wider, pulling her away from me.

“Mom!! I called her as I started to cry hard again…

The searing morning light broke into the windowpane that reflected the all-white surroundings, dazzling my newly opened eyes. As if it had been closed for quite some time.

Feeling lightheaded, I moved to sit trying to recall my past memories before I drifted to sleep, but it was kind of not clear to me. The only clear thing I got was when I saw him with another woman.

Then, my dreams with mom in them. And by pondering her words, I realized that I only view the world from my own perspective of viewing it. I have lost my chances now, but who knows?

Regaining such memory was like waking up from all the pain again, making it surface one more time. If I was to turn back, would I still get what my heart desires and live happily, or would I live in the abyss of regrets and failures? Whatever way I choose, one has to be sacrificed.

I was wiping the bitter tears that fell abundantly when the door swung open, revealing a man with very sad eyes. Red and swollen from crying.

“You’re awake, you scare me to death child. Real scared.” He smiled faintly at the sight of me, with swollen eyes too, just like his.

“What happened?” I asked him. Bothered by his reaction.

“You tell me.” he responded shortly as he walked towards me with a wrenched face.

“Well, I can't remember anything.” I lied to him.

“You sure cant. You were dead intoxicated.” he sarcastically said.

I was like duh… and rolled my eyes at him. Sure anyone can get drunk when they are happy or sad, but why should he act like it was the most disgusting thing to do?

“I guess I am? Why are you even there? I thought you would come the following day.”

“Well, when I heard you, it was like someone pushed me to come after that call, and it turned out that it was a good decision. Because I found you lying on that cold floor unconsciously.”

“I was dead drunk at that time, but as you see, I’m fine now,” I said, gesturing to him how well I was.

“You sure do. You almost lost that little life you—”

“I’m alive okay.” I insisted.

“Sure you are, but that little thing in your belly—”

“WHAT?” I cut his word as I sat straight, taken aback at what he had just said.

My eyes widened in intense shock.

I was just about to ask for validation when the door opened again and the doctor came in smiling widely at me.