Love Me, Not My Body

CHAPTER 18

What Preston did didn’t matter. This is what mattered. Scott and I mattered, and it was time I started acting like it.

---

I threw myself into my work. I picked up extra shifts at Kiki’s and worked my weekend shifts at Blue Hades. Dominic’s eyes seemed to bore into me whenever he crossed my path at the brothel, but he didn’t do anything. Just the looks he would give me gave me chills and, despite my repeated complaints, Scott assured me everything was fine.

No surprisingly, Preston didn’t come into Kiki’s all week. I’m sure he had his hands full with the two women he had been so intimately dancing with. I knew it bothered me more than it should, which just made me even more mad.

Everything went well for two weeks. I was working at Blue Hades when Scott stumbled into the room I was working. A client had just left when he burst through the door with a smile on his face.

“Hey baby,” he slurred as he advanced toward me. “I heard it was my turn.”

I stared at him, my heart breaking to see him under the influence yet again. I felt like my entire world was crumbling once again. As hard as I tried to be a good girlfriend, he always went back to the drugs.

“Not now, Scott,” I said softly as I walked over to him and started to back him out the door. “I’m working.”

His hand flew up, slapping me hard across my face and my head snapped to the side with the hit. My breath blew out as my eyes watered as my cheek screamed out in pain.

“Don’t tell me what the f**k to do,” he screamed at me. He grabbed my hands and advanced forward as I stumbled backwards with him. “Don’t ever f*****g tell me what to do you f*****g w***e. That’s all you are. A f*****g slut ass w***e!”

I desperately tried to free my wrists as tears began streaming down my face. “Scott please!” I cried. “That hurts! Let me go! Please!”

Behind Scott, I saw the door begin to shut and my eyes shot toward the potential of help. I saw a glimpse of Dominic before the door clicked shut. My fearful eyes went back to Scott as the back of my knees hit the bed.

I fell backwards as he pressed down atop me. He began kissing my neck, his hands going to my breasts and painfully squeezing them.

“Scott stop,” I pleaded. “Please! Stop!”

“You want me to f*****g pay?” he growled as leaned up off of me. “You going to make your boyfriend pay like one of your f*****g clients?”

“No,” I breathed out. “Of course not. I just don’t…”

“Then shut the f**k up,” he yelled as he stood up and undid his pants.

I laid unmoving as he moved back atop me. He yanked my panties off and shoved my shirt up to expose my breasts. I squinted my eyes closed as his hands roamed over my body and he slammed into me. He thrust painfully hard again and again as tears streamed down my face that he could care less about. He was too busy verbally demeaning me, screaming in my ear every dirty name he could think of to call me.

This is what I was. This is what every single man I knew thought of me. I was nothing but their s*x toy.

As he angrily f****d me, a part of me died. A part of me resigned on trying for something more. My self-respect spilled out through my eyes and I lost all the dignity I had left. This is all I was in this life, and all I would ever be.

“It’s rape, Kendra,” Tricia stated as she stared wide-eyed at me. I had fled Blue Hades as soon as Scott had left and went straight to her place. She had quickly swept me inside as I showed up sobbing at her doorstep.

My hands shook slightly as they held the hot chocolate she had offered me. I sat on her couch, my tears now dry. Why had I run away? What would Dominic and Scott say?

“Kendra,” Tricia called in her Southern accent. “You need to report this to the police. You can’t let him get away with it.”

I shook my head as I quickly stood up and set the cup down. “I shouldn’t have come here. I shouldn’t have told you. I’m sorry. I just…”

“Kendra.” She quickly leapt to her feet and wrapped me in a surprising hug. “Sweetie, you can’t let him do this anymore. I have turned my head to several of his outbursts and one too many bruises, but this is a new low. Even for him. You don’t have to allow him to get away with this.”

“He’s my boyfriend,” I challenged her. “We have sex.”

She drew back, her hands on my shoulders as she looked at me. “Boyfriends can rape, too. It wasn’t consensual.”

I looked away as I shook my head. “I didn’t fight him. I just…” my voice broke as tears again stung my eyes. I looked down at my feet. “I let him.”

“Did you tell him no?”

I slowly nodded my head as I held down the lump in my throat.

“Then it’s rape. And you need to report it.”

I finally raised my head as fear swept through me. If I reported him, I would have to talk to the police. They would find out my secret. I wouldn’t be able to hide it from them. Or Scott would tell them. Or even worse, he would tell them where I was hiding.

“I don’t want to report it,” I said, my voice rising with my fear as I stepped out of her reach. “This is my life, and my decision. I will work this out with Scott myself. I don’t want the police involved in this and I don’t want him arrested. This is between Scott and I. We will work it out. You can’t tell anyone Tricia.” I looked at her as my voice rose to desperate pleading. “Please don’t tell anyone. Please. I can’t go through the whole police procedures and a trial and…”

“Okay, okay,” she said as she put her hands up to surrender. “Whatever you want, honey.”

I nodded and tried to act like I knew what the heck I was doing while inside I was dissolving into a nervous mess.

Tricia stepped forward and wrapped me into another hug. I swear she thought a hug solved every problem known to mankind.

“I’m always here,” she whispered in my ear. “Don’t forget that.”

---

I went home the next day, and Scott acted as though nothing had happened. I wondered if he was too high to remember, or too ashamed to admit what he had done. It wasn’t until dinnertime when he tried to kiss me that I finally confronted him about it.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked as I pulled away from his attempted kiss. “You’ve acted distant ever since you came home from Tricia’s.”

“Do you not remember what you did?” I asked as I picked up my plate and took it into the kitchen.

“What did I do?” he asked with a chuckle. “Tell me, baby.”

I dropped my plate down into the sink with a loud clank. “Your forced yourself on me, Scott. How do you not remember that?”

He sat at the table, leaned back in his chair and looked at me flabbergasted. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“At Blue Hades,” I explained as I leaned against the counter. My voice lowered as though someone was listening. “You raped me, Scott.”

Scott’s face scrunched into a disgusted disbelief. “Are you f*****g kidding me, Kendra? I raped you?” His voice rose as he stood up and knocked his chair to the ground. “You think I f*****g raped you? That’s the s**t Tricia is putting in your head?”

“She didn’t put it there!” I quickly argued. “I know what rape is.”

“You wanted it!” he shouted angrily at me as he pointed at me. “You were panting like a f*****g dog in heat.”

I shook my head as my hands clenched into fists at my sides. “I told you no, Scott! I begged you not to!”

Scott laughed as he shook his head. “Why the f**k would I rape you when I can get it whenever I want?”

I didn’t have an answer for him. I stood speechless and he quickly jumped upon it.

“Kendra,” he drew out as his voice softened. “Baby, I would never do that.” When I stood silent, he spoke again. This time, his voice held hurt. “You really think I would do that?”

I turned away from him as stupid tears pierced my eyes. I had trusted him. I had loved him. Had he really raped me? Or was it just my over-active imagination?

I heard him walk over to me. When he didn’t speak, I slowly turned to him. His brown eyes searched mine with a deep sadness.

“Kendra,” he said gently as he hung his head. “I’m sorry if it felt that way to you. God, I’m sorry.” He collapsed to his knees as his head fell into his hands. “What the hell have I done?” he cried as his body began to shake with sobs. “I never meant to hurt you Kendra. I’m not a f*****g rapist. I didn’t mean to force you. I thought you wanted to. I swear to God, I thought it was consensual. I’m so sorry, baby. Please don’t have me f*****g arrested. I thought you wanted it.”

I pressed my lips together as I tried with everything I had not to forgive him. I wanted to hate him for what he did. But as his sobs filled the room, it pounded upon my walls of hatred and eventually tore them down.

“Its okay,” I whispered as I ran my fingers into his curly, black hair. “I know you wouldn’t do that. I was just being dumb.”

He quickly leapt to his feet and wrapped me into a tight hug. “I love you, Kendra. I swear I love you. I would die for you, baby. I would never rape you.”

“I know,” I whispered as I hugged him back. “I’m sorry for even thinking it.”

I skipped working at Blue Hades the next weekend. Truthfully, I never planned to return there again. Scott didn’t have much to say about it. I’m pretty sure the guilt of what had occurred between us last time I was there still weighed heavily on his heart. I was able to pick up a couple shifts at Kiki’s to make up for the loss income, though it came nowhere close to what I made at Blue Hades.

I leaned against the wall behind of Kiki’s near the backdoor on my break. Tricia stood beside me. Her and Fred had come in to eat lunch and he had left to wait for her in the car while I took my break at the smoking spot out back to talk to my friend.

“So what did Scott say this time?” Tricia asked as she kicked at a cigarette butt on the ground.

I hesitated as I mentally debated how much I wanted to tell her. With a sigh, I finally confessed the truth. She was my closest and most trusted friend. She was the only one who knew anything about the abuse I had suffered. “He says he never meant for it not to be consensual.”

“Mark my words,” she drew out as she pointed at me. “That’s a load of crap.”

I stood up from the wall as I shrugged. “I don’t know what to think. I mean, I was certain of one thing, but then he broke down crying and saying he never meant it that way. Maybe he was just too high on the drugs and didn’t realize I didn’t want to. It’s not like I made it super obvious.”

Her eyebrows raised. “You said no.”

My eyes dropped down as I kicked the pavement beneath my feet. “It’s not always that easy.”

“Oh it is,” she quickly retorted. “A woman says no and the man puts the snake away.”

The back door opened, and my head quickly turned toward our interruption. Jessica stood with a smile on her face. “You have someone asking for you.”

“Who?” I asked but she slipped back inside without an answer. I turned toward Tricia with annoyance. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she waved me off. “I’m sure Fred will be getting antsy anyway. Lord knows he’s probably online shopping on his phone and draining out bank account.”

I pulled the door open as we strolled back in together.

“Maybe you can come over one day this week?” she asked as we walked through the kitchen. “We could get some wine and watch a good romantic comedy. I’ll send Fred to our room for the night.”

I smirked at her. “Does he always do what you say?”

“If he wants to get laid,” she joked with a laugh as she touched my arm. “I’m kidding! He’s a good man.”

I nodded in agreement as we walked out to the customer area of the restaurant. “He is. You got a good one.” I paused as we approached the register at the front and I turned toward her. “Scott is too. He’s just going through a rough time.”

Tricia’s lips pulled into a straight line as a look of pity formed across her face. I opened my mouth to argue with her when I heard a voice call my name.

“Kendra.”

My heart skipped a beat at the sound of my name within his British accent. I spun around to see Preston approaching me. He was wearing his usual skinny jeans topped with a pale green, button up shirt adorned with dark green palm leaves that was only halfway buttoned. Sunglasses sat atop his head as his hair swooped up before falling down around his face. He stepped toward me as I stood in shock at him.

“I was wondering if I could have a word with you?” he asked as his green eyes shifted from me to Tricia.

I drew in a breath to speak but Tricia quickly cut me off.

“Well hello there,” she said in her Southern accent as she put her hand out to him. “I’m Kendra’s friend Tricia. Who might you be?”

Preston took her hand into his and raised it to his lips. He placed a quick kiss atop it as his eyes wandered over to me. “I’m Preston Rayles.”

“Well I’ll be,” Tricia drew out as Preston let go of her hand and she turned toward me. “I’ll let you have a chat with your friend Preston, and we will catch up later.” She gave me an obvious and unsubtle wink before turning back to Preston. “It was nice meeting you.”

Preston gave her a nod as she took her leave out the exit. I watched her go before turning toward Preston.

“I’m pretty busy right now and I just got off break.”

He wet his lips as he put his hands together in front of him as though he was going to pray. “I was wondering if you were available this weekend?”

I stared at him as his antics with the girls in the club flashed before my eyes. “I’m busy.”

His face visibly dropped at my words. “All weekend?”

I glanced over at the tables to make sure my boss wasn’t watching me. “Yes, all weekend. I need to get back to work.” I turned to leave when I heard him speak again.

“Kendra.”

I turned around in annoyance. “What do you want Preston?”

He seemed a bit uncertain at my tone and words. “I have a wedding I need to attend this weekend in Colorado. I was wondering if you could go with me?”

I shook my head. “I told you, I’m busy. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding another girl to join you.” I turned away and took a couple steps toward the kitchen.

“I don’t want another girl,” he called behind me.

My traitorous heart skipped a beat at his words until my brain intervened and put it in its spot. He only wanted to hire me for s*x, that was it. I wasn’t interested in doing that work anymore. I was done with it.

I turned around and walked back to him. “I’m not interested, Preston. I told you I’m busy. I’m not sure what else you want to hear.”

“Yes,” he replied.

My eyebrows crunched downward was I looked at him in confusion. “Yes what?”

He smirked in amusement at me. “That’s what I’d like to hear from you. Yes.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re wasting your time.”

“It’s an overnight trip, so I’ll pay for two days.”

I looked sternly at him. “Obviously you would, but I’m still not interested.”

“What if I double it?”

My eyes narrowed on him as my head began to swim with dollar signs. I stepped closer to him, my voice lowering. “You’re actually offering me four thousand dollars to go to a stupid wedding in Colorado with you?”

He glanced to his side before turning those gorgeous green eyes upon me. “Yeah, I am.”

I mentally began adding up the amount in my shoebox and the amount he was offering. It would be more than enough to get Scott into a good rehab program. Or maybe I could even pay off Dominic with a portion of the money.

The lingering doubt in my mind somehow slipped out of my lips without permission. “Why would you pay me that extreme sum when you could easily find a free date to accompany you? You could take either of those girls you were groping from the club?”