About That Night

VI. he loves hurting me

Olivia

Chaotic.

It was the best word I could think of to describe the situation in the hallways. It was loud and noisy. I was brought back to the time when I first entered high school in Sydney but this was worse. This was expected of coming from summer vacation and not seeing each other. I understood that they needed to catch up with each other but I just didn’t like the crowd, the noise, and the different scents of colognes and perfumes mixing together in the air. I would prefer a peaceful environment such as the library. It was my favorite place. I couldn’t wait to go there but I still had to know where I could find it.

Anyway, I felt suffocated by everyone as I tried my best to get myself out of the bodies of students in the hallway. My head was down as I focused on my footsteps and on not to step on other’s feet. I just needed to get myself a blueprint or maybe ask the admin of the school so I could easily find my classes. I already had my class schedule but I didn’t know what floor I should go to. I wouldn’t bother asking Storm. There was no doubt he wouldn’t help me. Starr had already gone to her friends too.

As I kept walking with my head down, I suddenly bumped into someone and it was very quiet all of a sudden after a loud scream of a woman. The screeching voice terrified me. I thought the building shook when she screamed. That was exaggerated. Maybe, Storm was right. I was overdramatic? A question mark because I wasn’t so sure of that but my heart started being so fast when I saw a brown liquid mess on the tiled floor and the stained white heels of someone.

Shit.

I silently cursed, realizing what I had just done. The air changed. I was getting really nervous. The hallway was still obviously filled with people but I almost could not feel their presence due to nervousness. Possible things that would happen to me started forming in my head. They were not good. I found myself the laughing stock of everybody. I watched too many movies with those kinds of scenes.I had a feeling it would happen to me too.

The silence was very disturbing and that just made my heartbeat pace up even more. I just bumped into someone and spilled her coffee. I just knew it was coffee because of the smell. I felt the hot liquid on my chest through my top too. I had to grit my teeth because it silently burned my skin. Good thing it wasn’t too hot.

This is going to be the worst first day of classes in my life so far.

All of them were bad. I just had a feeling this would be the worst. I swallowed the lump in my throat and slowly looked up only to be staring at a tall girl. A queen bee. That was the first thing that came to my mind as I studied her appearance. Long blonde hair, red lips, and cakey face, long legs, tight pink dress, luxury bag over her shoulder, and big round earrings dangling on the side of her face. She looked like that brat cheerleader in a teen movie with her sidekicks. There were three of them, including her. The one on her right was shorter, also blonde and violet was her favorite color. The other sidekick was as tall as the other one, also blonde but her hair was straight and orange was her favorite.

They look… colorful.

I thought and almost cringe at them when suddenly, the queen be said,

“I was hoping you’re someone pretty but you’re just…” She squinted her eyes at me and lifted her chin, looking so mighty. “An ugly nerd.” She finished her sentence and that caused almost everyone to laugh.

That freaking hurts.

I had heard those kinds of words before. I should not be surprised anymore but I didn’t know why it was so painful to hear them now. Probably because this was the first time I had put myself in a situation where I unintentionally made a mistake in front of many people and that those people were too insensitive of how I was feeling. Also, maybe, because I was alone and I knew no one would stand up for me but myself.

I hate bullying. I hate the bullies. I hate getting bullied.

My chest felt so tight. I felt weak all of a sudden. I almost couldn’t feel my physical body. It was loud in my head. The words of the queen bee and their laugh were ringing in my ears. I counted to ten as I took deep breaths to calm myself down. Back in Sydney, the guidance counselor in my previous school told me that breathing in through the mouth and breathing out through the nose would help you feel better. I followed it every time but I was past ten counts already. Tears were threatening to come out but it was the last thing that I wanted to do in front of them. I could not look weak. I had to stand for myself. I had been through so much in life to be crying in front a human Barbie.

At twenty, I finally decided to open my mouth and said, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking.” I did mean my apology even if her words really cut deep through me.

“Apology not accepted.”

They booed me and I had to take a deep breath again before I would completely lose myself. I just wanted to get away, hide from all these people, and cry alone. I wanted to cry because I felt so belittled and down. No one was going to stand beside me and defend me. I wondered what he would do if he followed me.

Where is he? Does he know what’s happening?

“I’m really sorry. What do you want me to do?” I was trying to be polite even though she seemed to be just around my age and a senior in high school like me. I was even since and I admitted it was my fault.

When gasps sounded, I looked down to see her lifting her left foot at me.

“Kiss my shoe and wipe it clean.”

They shouted again. How could they be so supportive of her? They sounded happy of what she was doing to me. Was she that respected in this school? Who even was she? Some were booing at me and whistling at Barbie. Maybe, that was her real name. It really suited her. I just wanted to get this done so I nodded my head in agreement.

Of course, it was against my will to bend down but I just wanted to finish it already. I felt like everything turned to a slow-motion as I was getting ready to kiss her shoe. Yes, I was so prepared but before I could even do it, she stopped me. I hated how everyone was just enjoying the show. Heck, they loved it.

“I don’t want your bacteria in my shoe. I’ll just have this cleaned at the dry cleaning, nerd.” She withdrew her foot back and made a disgusted face while staring at me. “Next time, wear another pair of glasses.”

That caused another round of laughter to echo in the hallway again as she purposely bumped her shoulder to mine harshly. I clenched my jaw hard when I almost lost my balance. I really wanted to turn around, catch up with her, yank her hair out, and punch the hell out of her cakey face. But that was just all inside of me. I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want to make it even worse than it already was.

In life, we need to be humble… sometimes. Too much kindness all the time is bad.

I waited for everyone to get their attention off me first. Some walked away but not before sending me looks of pity. I wanted to lift my middle finger at them for looking at me that way. The bell rang and everyone was going to their respective classes, except me. When the hallway was a chaotic place minutes ago, it was now very peaceful, with me, standing in the middle alone. Tears brimmed my eyes as what just happened a while ago sunk into me. My lips almost quivered. It was so tight in my chest. I looked up at the ceiling and a shaky breath escaped from me.

Can I stand seeing those people again? What if they make me their laughing stock again? How can I survive this school year if it has to happen to me again? I’d rather stay at home and get homeschooled.

They caused damage to my mental health and I was afraid they were going to do it again.

Why did this have to happen to me?

I didn’t blink my tears. I turned around and saw someone very familiar standing a few steps away from me. I felt the world stop again when our eyes met. There was something in the way he looked at me that I couldn’t decipher. Perhaps, pity also? I didn’t want to assume but I thought I saw the worry in his eyes.

Is he right there the whole time?  

I wanted to run to him and hug him to comfort myself. I really did but I couldn’t get myself to move yet. My feet were glued to the ground. Deep inside, I wanted him to walk towards me and wrap his arms around me. I needed him to tell it was fine. I needed his words of comfort. I needed him to tell me that I everything was going to be okay.

Why didn’t he come to me and defend me against all those people especially that b***h?

He couldn’t protect me as he promised. Or maybe he could but chose not to. It was his favorite thing to do before—protecting me. Many times, he did that. He got into fights just because of me. He pushed a boy at the park and almost made him cry. He always made sure I don’t hurt myself while we were playing at the playground in the park. When I was careless and bruised myself, he was there to blow my wound and tell me the pain would just go away. He always caught me every time I fall off the monkey bars. He would kiss my knee and then my cheek. He would tell me, it’s going to be okay.

Can you tell me now? Tell me it’s going to be fine. Tell me I’ll be alright.

I found myself finally taking a step forward as a lone tear rolled down my cheek, to the side of my nose, and to my lips. I tasted the saltiness of it. I kept my eyes on him. He didn’t move from where he was standing. I took another step, two more, then three.

Please stay.

Just when I thought, he was going to stay there and wait for me, he turned his back to me and walked away. I felt sorry for myself. I was hoping and silently praying for him to just stay right there. I was near, just a few more steps, and I would reach him but he was gone.

Should I have run after him?

I halted as I closed my eyes and cried silently. Tears trailed down my face and I just let it that way. It felt good to cry. Too good that I didn’t want to stop. I broke down. It was too heavy not to let it out. So much for attending the first day of classes.

What if I have the same classes as him?

I should not be thinking about him because just like that, my heart was shattered into even finer pieces.

He loves hurting me.