Irrevocably HERS

Chapter Nineteen

Blinding rage is fueling me as I deliver blow after blow to Mitchell, my so called father. Yeah, like he even deserves that title right now. I have managed to tackle him to the floor, sitting on top of him while I feel my arm pull back and deliver another punch. Tyler tries his best to pull me away from him but the hits keep coming and my anger keeps rising. How dare he come in here and feed me the I didn't know excuse. I won't believe him. I won't allow myself to accept the fact that if he had known, that maybe, just maybe, I could of had a family, and I could have been raised with love and care and not become some person who would rather push everybody away instead of feeling an ounce of emotion.

That's what I do.

That's what I have trained myself to do my whole life.

I push people away, people who I know would travel the depths of hell to save me for myself, and my pride overwhelms me where I don't ask for anything from anyone. I am not a person. I am a monster. A monster who deserves to live out his days alone.

"For f**k sakes Hunter! You are going to kill him before he can even explain his side!" Tyler grits out, pulling me from the back of my shirt, suddenly full of such strength like he had transformed into the hulk, hearing my shirt ripping. He manages to get some leeway and I pull back, knowing if I continue, Mitchell's death will be on my hands.

"Fine. I'm off. I'm up. Now get this piece of s**t out of my face before I continue pulverizing him." I seethe, not even making eye contact with Tyler. He has never seen this side of me. He doesn't understand the darkness that swirls in my veins, or has since I was able to walk. He brushes past me, pulling Mitchell to his feet and saying something to him while walking away to the back room of the shop.

"Hunter. Let me explain." Mitchell says while just standing there and I take the opportunity to look at what I have done to his face. Sure as s**t, his eye is beginning to swell along with his cheek. No longer the clean cut version of the man that came in earlier this morning. He looks like s**t now. Because of me. I don't dwell on it though. No remorse from me.

"Let me stop you right there. There is no explanation good enough to excuse the fact that your own flesh and blood was abandoned on a doorstep and left to his own defenses at the age of birth! You cannot expect me to believe anything that comes out of your mouth after twenty two years. Plain and simple. You left me. Do me a favor. Take your car and get the hell out of here and continue to not know of my existence the way I will continue to believe that you are nothing but dead to me. Just like the egg donor to your sperm donation." I grit out, storming off to go to my office as Tyler heads back with an ice pack to most likely aid with Mitchell's f****d up face.

"He'll come around. Eventually." I hear Tyler tell Mitchell while I scoff. Like hell I will.

"You know you are going to have to eventually hear him out right?" Tyler says while examining underneath a Ford F150. It's been a week already yet the asshole has remained here in this town, making himself at home at the local motel. He will come by with coffee or refreshments and attempt casual conversation but the only one who responds to him is Tyler. Fucker has already chosen his side in all this. He can f**k off as well.

"This isn't about taking f*****g sides you man child. The way you are f*****g acting with this information is ludicrous." He says and I do a double take. Did I actually say that out loud?

"f**k off." I grunt out not wanting to hash it out with the only person that can seem to tolerate me in this town.

"f**k you." He says and I just continue about my work. Tyler, ever the optimist and peace keeper, can not for the life of him keep his mouth shut.

"You can't blame the guy for not being there when he didn't know Hunter. What do you want for him to do now? There's no time machine. He can't just go back in time and change the past. You don't think this is eating him up alive inside? You don't think he harbors pain for allowing his child to be raised through the system? For f**k sakes take your big head out of your ass and talk to the guy already. What if it were your kid? What if Amber never told you about the baby? What if he found you one day and all you could say was "I never knew"?" He says point blank and that right there garners my attention. He's right.

"f**k. I'd expect the same response." I say feeling defeated.

"Yeah, you would. He'd do what you did to Mitchell and tell you to f**k off and to leave him alone. He'd tell you you were a lying son of a b***h and you would have to deal with the fact that he would never want to hear your side of the story. The only story he would know is the one his mother would have told him and god knows what story that would have been. Would she have painted you in a way where you were the villain? Would she have said that you just didn't want him? I'm not saying that Amber would have ever done that to you but it is something to think about. Just go talk to him. You'll regret it if you don't and you'll never have the closure you want." Tyler says with such determination and reasoning that I don't know whether to bro hug him for the s**t I put him through or deck him for not getting through to me sooner.

"Watch the shop." I say while grabbing my coat.

"You got it Bossman." He says and I feel myself smirking because he hasn't called me that in what feels like forever.

As I make my way to the motel, I gather in my mind what exactly I want to say and what I think he might tell me. I am not going into this conversation with any inkling of hope. He wants to mend his wrongs than so be it. I'll listen, but he better not expect me to forgive. I make it and find myself standing outside his door. I can just turn around and never return but Tyler is right. I need closure. I need to think about my future and stop harboring resentment and hating myself for the past. I'm going to be a father now. I need to be done with this toxicity.

I bang on the door two times but hear nothing. I am about to bang again when the door opens with Mitchell looking at me like I am some conjured up vision. I rake my hand through my hair and breathe in and out before I speak.

"You wanted to talk, so let's talk." I say to which he just nods and steps back to allow me to enter. I look around and find beer bottles left on his side table and his bed is unmade. He closes the door behind me as I just stand there taking everything in.

"s**t. Wasn't expecting any company." He says while gathering up his garbage and trying to make the bed look decent but I don't really give two shits. I take a seat at the table that is in the room and cross my arms against my chest. I watch as he rakes his hand through his own hair and it takes me for a loop. I do that same gesture when I am nervous. Looks like that's something I inherited from him.

"Want something to drink? Eat?" He says but I shake my head no.

"I want the truth Mitchell. I may have overreacted and robbed you of the chance last week, but here I am. Don't expect me to feel any sympathy towards you once your story is finished but, I am willing to listen. I owe it to myself." I say to which he nods his head and takes a seat across from me, folding his arms against the table.

"I appreciate the offer Hunter. I do. You may think I am full of s**t but the god's honest truth of it all is that I really didn't know. Your biological mother, Evie, was a girl I had met at a house party one night. I was a rebellious teen s**t and did whatever I damn well pleased while giving my own parents a run for their money. I had an attitude like no other. I could give a rats ass about anything or anybody but the moment I laid eyes on her, it was like the Earth shifted and also my view of life itself. God she was f*****g beautiful. I managed to make my way towards her that night, a f*****g nervous wreck, never having initiated a conversation with the opposite s*x in my life, and we hit it off instantly. I was sixteen at the time, she was fifteen, turning sixteen a month later, yet there she was looking as if she were a grown woman. She was filled with such life and had such a glow about her. We were as thick as thieves from that moment on, but her home life, something I had to come to find out myself, wasn't ideal. Where I had the ever loving parents, wanting nothing more than to love me, her parents could give two shits if she were alive or dead. Her father, the piece of s**t that he was, was an alcoholic womanizing wife beater. Her mother, was a depressed introvert who did nothing but mope around and watch tv all day when she wasn't being abused. They wouldn't do anything but care about themselves and let their daughter run rampant day in and day out, not the least bit worried where she was, who she was with, anything a parent is supposed to worry about. I offered, more like pleaded, to have her come live with me, and I would have changed. I would have been home more to make sure she was loved and felt safe enough to continue living with me, but she didn't want anybody's pity. She was going to emancipate herself and get the f**k out of there once and for all when she turned sixteen. She had a plan and so did I. I was leaving because I wanted to travel the world and not be held down by having to go to college like my parents had wanted me to. They never listened when I told them how I wanted to live my life. They wanted the best for me but I threw their wanting more for me right back in their faces, determined to live my life my own way." He tells me and I can see it in his eyes that he is once again back in the past.

"Your mother and I remained as we were, sneaking out, finding comfort with one another, sharing every moment with each other, telling secrets and sharing stories, being the love birds that we were, promising each other forever because that is what we saw when we looked into our futures. I couldn't see myself without her in my life and neither could she. I looked at her like she hung the moon, as she did with me. She was it for me. It's like you get that feeling and no matter how many people call you crazy, you just know what your heart and soul want. Unfortunately, when she had turned sixteen, her plan of emancipation fell through and she realized that there was no escaping from her parents. I had told her that I would be able to take care of her and to come with me to start a new life. f**k that town, f**k her parents, let's just run away together. At first she would agree but eventually, I could feel her slipping away little by little. The glow she had was disappearing and the life she had in her was withering away and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I hadn't realized that she was falling deeper and deeper into depression. It wasn't until my own s**t started happening that I found myself hating everything around me. My dad was diagnosed with stage four cancer and was given only a couple of months to live so I was bitter and resentful of myself and did the most shittiest thing and had my anger directed towards Evie. Even when she was facing her own struggles, she still was there for me, or at least trying to be, but I couldn't stop myself from being the miserable bastard that I was. She slowly began drinking more, partying more, and we were becoming more toxic towards one another. I didn't like the fact that she was using booze and drugs to cover up her sadness instead of wanting to be around me but being around me was like being around a ticking time bomb. We would wind up fighting over the stupidest things she or I did to one another, but then we found each other making up which we did most of the time without using any protection. She was on the pill but with all the alcohol she consumed and the pills she would acquire, I should have realized then how careless we both were. Once my dad had died, I was a shell of myself. I continuously blamed myself for being an arrogant stubborn son of a b***h when I could have been the devoted and dedicated son he always wanted. My mom wasn't the same after that and I could see the disappointment in her eyes whenever she looked at me. I told myself that I needed to leave thinking it would be better for everyone. I thought by me leaving, everyone would be happy once again. My mother would find life again and Evie would find a way out and become her bright bubbly self again. I left without even saying goodbye to your mother or even mine. I left not knowing what she was going through. Now. Now that I know what I left behind, I would f*****g go back in time and erase all the wrongs and make them right. I wouldn't have left. I wouldn't have allowed my anger to eat away at her. She was simply trying to survive, screaming for help all while trying to be there for me, and all I did was make everything about myself." He says, banging his fist onto the table and rising from his chair, having it topple to the floor from the force of which he got up. I don't dare move. I continue to listen and watch. He begins to pace around, pulling at the neck of his shirt, as if the story is physically suffocating him.

"Your mother never got out. She was stuck there drowning in her own misery. Here." He says while holding a piece of paper and shoving it towards me.

To whoever reads this,

Please take care of my baby. I am not a well person any more and I can't begin to wonder how I can support my baby boy when I can't even support myself. I can't do this by myself nor can I allow my parents to abuse him the way they have abused me for my entire life. I never told the father about him. Maybe I should have, but he is long gone now, and hopefully he is doing better than I am. I can't take the pain of looking into his eyes and not being able to be the mother he so rightfully deserves. Please make sure he is fed and loved. Give him everything I can't. If one day he ever asks about me or his dad, please tell him that we would have loved him to the end of our days. I know I very much will. He is the product of two people that loved each other fiercely but when life deals you a s**t hand, things get tough and I guess our love wasn't as strong as I thought it was. I have no ill will towards his dad. He was the love of my life and hopefully will be again in our next. It shouldn't have been like this for my baby. He doesn't deserve this. He is innocent and I know I am a monster for leaving him. I will never forgive myself, but maybe, just maybe by me doing this will allow him to have the life I never had. His name is Hunter. Please make sure he is safe.

Xoxo.

Evie.

I feel my hand shaking while holding the letter and the water filling my eyes. I place the letter down on the table and rise up off the chair, feeling like everything is like an open wound and I am bleeding out. Once I find my voice, I ask the question that has been on my mind.

"Where did you get this letter?" I can hear my voice is different and if it isn't apparent, I am not doing well with this information overload.

"I had called my mother, like I told you and she was given this letter because you were left on her neighbors doorstep, but she didn't know who you were. If she had known......" He says, his voice wavering.

"The neighbors had kept the letter, just giving the authorities little information, just your name that was written on the letter that they themselves had written on the box. They couldn't raise a child. They had just both retired. They called the cops but didn't want the letter to be seen shown in the newspapers or anyone knowing that much because they felt it was too personal. They held onto it, feeling guilty for not being able to help more than they already had. The letter was given to my mom after our phone call where I had asked about a baby being left in town and when my mom put two and two together, she figured out the truth and then she had it sent here for me to read for the first time ever." He says to which I merely nod.

"Where is she now?" I ask, mind still whirling from all the information.

"s**t. I knew you'd ask but it still kills me to tell you because even though you'll know the truth, it doesn't dampen the fact that this is utter s**t. This shouldn't have happened and I want nothing more than to reverse time." He says but he evades the question which riles me up.

"Where is she?" I ask again and he hangs his head.

"She passed away Hunter." He says and all the air is kicked out of my lungs right then and there.

"Mom told me that the depression she was under had gotten to her. She had overdosed one night, her parents none the wiser. f*****g assholes couldn't even garner enough compassion to mourn their daughter the right way, immediately going back to what they always did, drink and simply exist while their only daughter was six feet under the ground." He says and I can feel my blood boiling.

"I am a colossal f**k up Hunter. I wasn't strong enough for myself and I wasn't strong enough for her. This is all on me. I left her. I left my heart, the only reason I would wake up every morning, for what? To find myself? To actually think that everyone would be better off without me? She was always better off with me and I found that out all too late. I'm here alive and well while Evie was all alone, and I hope to god she didn't die thinking I hadn't loved her with every fiber of my being. If it wasn't for my selfishness, we wouldn't be here. You'd have grown up with parents that loved you. I would have made damn sure I had gotten her out of that house. She would have been with me. You would have been with me." He says and I can see the emotion, the truth, the tears forming in his eyes. I'd console him but I don't even know how to console myself right now.

"I wronged your mother Hunter. I wronged you. My boy. My son." He says and I had just about had enough. I don't even think. I do. I storm over to him and pull him into a hug and for the first time in my life, I actually find comfort from it. The actual closeness I needed from someone other than Amber, who is the other half of my heart. This is my dad. He may not have been there for me growing up, but I do know that I won't let go of him now. The past is done with. There is no way to change it. He can be part of my future. Part of my own child's future.

"We'll get through this......dad." I say and that only makes him grip me tighter, fearing that I will vanish into thin air.

For the rest of the day, Mitchell and I talk about everything that has gone on in our lives. I have told him about the numerous foster homes I had lived in, and the final home that brought me Amber. I tell him how much I love her and that we are going to have a child. I have even told him how I was an asshole to her during our teenage years living together, and how I continue to be one to this day. He doesn't judge. He's been through the same with Evie.

"I know I am the last person you would ever take advice from, but, if you love this girl, don't run away from it. Don't run away from her. No matter how much of a life you have here, make sure she knows that she is your life too. Make it your sole mission to prove to her that she is it for you. Don't live your life with regrets like I am right now. I would do anything to have Evie by my side again. I would do anything to kiss her lips, soak in her radiant beauty, raise you, our child, together. If Amber is the girl of your dreams, go to her. Be there for her. Show her that you'd give anything to be with her and your baby. Don't allow your love for her slip away." He says while taking a sip of his beer. I allow his words to soak in.

"Well, now that Tyler's back from paternity leave, I will be heading out to see how she is doing this weekend. I know Spring Recess is starting and I have a lot of apologizing to do, yet again." I say and he just chuckles knowing exactly how much groveling I have to do.

"To our future." He says as I clink the bottle of beer I have in my hand towards his. It's some what of a sentiment having him know that he is more than welcome in my life, now that everything is out in the open. My chest doesn't feel as constricted any more. It feels like a weight has been lifted somewhat and I am ready to move on with a future I can see if bright. Before I can allow myself to hold onto that piece of hope, my phone begins to ring and when I see the caller ID display Chrissy's name, I immediately pick up.

"Hey Chrissy, everything......" I say and all I can hear is a whimper and a sniffle.

"Chrissy?" I say and watch as Mitchell sits up straighter, head c*****g to the side wondering what is going on.

"It's Amber Hunter. She......the baby....." She croaks out and the panic that rises inside me is tenfold. Mitchell can sense it most definitely.

"What about them Chrissy? What is going on?" I say making my way for my coat and reaching the door to leave instantly if I have to.

"The baby's gone Hunter." She says and my whole world crashes before my eyes. My phone crashes to the floor, me along with it as I let out a harrowing scream that I didn't know I could unleash. Mitchell is at my side instantly, probably wondering what the hell is going on and how to handle whatever it is that happened. He doesn't ask though. He just sits beside me while I cry like a baby for the first time ever, for both the love of my life, and the life of my unborn child.