Irrevocably HERS

Chapter Twenty

Amber

The insurmountable pain coursing through me is like nothing I have ever felt before. I've gone through heartache, loss, heartbreak over and over but this pain? This pain is nothing remotely like the pain I am used to. Is it me? Am I just a walking curse? I killed my parents, even though I know deep down that I didn't directly cause their accident, yet it still remains adamant in my brain that it was my fault. I've had the love I wanted so hard to keep hold of allow me to die inside over and over with his need to push me away, and now, I have killed my child who was half of said person.

Their death, a being that was supposed to form inside my womb, a person that I was ready to love unconditionally even though I had already, my reason for wanting to become something better, is eating away at me and I feel as if I am drowning. If I were literally drowning, I wouldn't want to be saved. Yes. I said it. I would not want to live, nor do I find myself wanting to live right now. How am I still alive while my baby isn't? I shouldn't even be here right now.

Yes, I am that depressed right now. I was so geared up, mentally and physically, to do this on my own. I didn't give a damn if Hunter were in the picture or not. I was prepared to take on motherhood by storm but sadly enough, motherhood wanted no part in my life.

You must be wondering why I am choosing to believe that my child's death was my fault. I know it might sound foolish or you might even think I am being a tad bit over dramatic, but from my standpoint, I believe with every fiber of my being, that it was definitely my fault. Not because of the Hyperemesis and not eating enough. No. Of course I push away the logical reason.

No.

I blame myself because the moment I wanted to let go of the past and embrace something new with the man I was on the verge of giving myself to, is the moment when my body chose to expel the connection I still had with Hunter. There you have it. The second I wanted more with Mason is when my child, Hunters child, decided it wanted to dissolve away from existence. Even they knew I was a rotten person.

The beach house we were at was beyond my imagination. The feeling of inner peace was like having a thousand ton weight lifted off of me. Mason showed me a glimpse of what it would be like to be loved and cared for by someone else and I chose to embrace it. I chose to allow him to touch me like no other person has touched me before. I chose for that moment to connect myself with someone other than the other half of my heart and what a colossal mistake that was.

I am standing outside with my arms resting along the railing as I look out into the ocean, watching the waves hitting, the smell of the salt water wafting through my inhalations of air. I feel a presence coming up from behind me and my body instantly knows who it is.

He comes to engulf me with his body, resting his hands on top of mine and lowering his head to my shoulder.

"How are you feeling angel? Have you eaten?" He asks with his voice sending shivers down my spine. I swallow the lump inside my throat and nod my head up and down. I can feel my insides igniting. His breath is hot on my neck and the need for intimacy is clawing at me. I could just settle in my bed and take care of my own needs, because like the song Flowers by Mylie Cyrus, "I can love myself better".

I feel my breath hitching when he moves my hair away from my neck and brings a kiss to that overly sensitive spot, his tongue darting out minimally to lick it and proceeds to nip at my earlobe, an audible moan escapes me. My chest is rising and falling quicker now and I can't help the reaction. I can feel him behind me. I can feel his hard length rubbing against me.

"You're so beautiful Amber. A beautiful angel sent down to bring me salvation. I've been patient, knowing everything you have gone through but I need you Amber. More than I need air to breathe." He says as his hands begin to wander down the length of my body. Reeve and Chrissy aren't here, busy window shopping along the boardwalk and where we are standing allows for no trespassers, so we have the whole place to ourselves. I feel his hands move to my front, as one hand covers my neck, squeezing very softly as the other delves into the front of my shorts and his fingers skate along the elastic of my panties. His fingers seep downwards until it hits my clit, running light circles making me gasp. I can feel how wet I am becoming and once he proceeds to move his fingers more downward, I whimper. He moves his hands away abruptly from both areas and the loss of contact hits me hard.

"Spread your legs." He says as he lowers himself to his knees, feeling his hands on either side of me, peeling my shorts along with my panties down my legs until I feel him stop. I look down to see what the hold up is when I notice red dripping down my thigh. He instantly rises to his feet, the look of pure panic can be seen in his eyes as he presses on both shoulders making me look at him, focus on him, and not what I see running down my leg.

"Breathe Amber. Breathe in and out. This isn't anything to worry about. Come on. Let me drive you to the hospital. It is close by." He says while taking my hand in his. A sharp pain cascades down my stomach to my lady parts and it feels like I am being stabbed internally. I need to stop walking because if I don't, the pain will bring me to the floor.

"Fuck." Mason says as he lifts me bridal style and walks me outside and places me into his car. He runs to the drivers side and immediately pulls the car out of the driveway and practically speeds to the hospital. His hand is latched to mine and I am practically numb at this point, masking the pain coming from my stomach. I know what this means. I know that this is the beginning of the end for my chance at motherhood.

If my baby dies, I may as well die too.

"You can't just barge in here like you own the place Hunter." I hear Chrissy yell from across the room while I remain under my comforter, facing the wall, eyes closed pretending I am asleep. I've been like this since coming home from the hospital. I've only wanted this bed, hiding myself away under my comforter, not needing or wanting to talk to anyone. The look of pity from everyone's face is what killed me even more. I can't take the pity look. Chrissy's tears, Reeve's unshed tears and constant consoling of Chrissy, and Mason's inability to even look at me since, is seriously taking its toll on me.

"Yeah, well, watch me. You didn't allow me to see her when she was in the hospital and are you seriously going to deny me seeing her now?" Hunter seethes and Chrissy scoffs.

"Oh now you care to show up? After everything? Now that she has lost....." Chrissy says as I hear a loud bang against the wall.

"You called me! Remember that Chrissy! You very well knew that it wasn't just Amber that lost something! That baby was mine as well for f**k sakes and yes I am here and yes I am always too little too late but I am right f*****g here! She needs me. I need her. Plain and f*****g simple so just try and keep me from her. I f*****g dare you." Hunter roars only making me begin to whimper as the tears cascade down my cheeks once again. Thinking I'd be free of these tears is just plain laughable.

"Great. Now look what you have done." Chrissy says as she runs to my side and I feel her embrace me in a hug. She tries to turn me over but I refuse to look in any other direction but the wall.

"I'm sorry sweetie. I'm sorry. I, I needed to tell him. I know it wasn't my call to make. I.. I'm so sorry." She says and it does nothing to console me.

"Pack her bag. She's coming with me. f**k this place. She can graduate when she is ready. Right now, she isn't ready to do anything. Has she even eaten? Drank anything? Has she even got out of the bed?" Hunter says in an exasperated tone.

"Listen here s**t for brains. You might be suffering but there is no amount of suffering you are going through that surpasses what she is going through right about now. You weren't there when she needed you the most. You weren't there when she was vomiting up every morsel of food and water. You weren't there when she was stressing herself out over keeping the baby safe and worrying about finals. You weren't there when all she wanted was to believe your lies. You weren't there at all Hunter so excuse me for wondering why in the ever loving f**k I would ever contemplate allowing you to take her to god knows where." Chrissy yells at him and I can see in my mind that he is clenching and unclenching his fists by his side.

"No. I am done being berated by you. I get that you love her. She is like your sister and believe me, I get that, but she needs to be somewhere other than here, wasting away in her grief and misery. Look at her. She hasn't moved from there at all has she? Let me take her home. Let me take care of her like I should have been from the start. I should have brought her back home with me the moment I found out we were going to be parents instead of evading reality. I've lost too much and I am not about to lose her too, again. I am taking her away from here and f**k it. You are more than welcome to join us but just know, you are not getting rid of me that easily, so f**k off and get a bag ready or just plain f**k off." Hunter says with authority, standing his ground, making no room for Chrissy to even contemplate denying him. I get why he is here and I will never allow him to not feel his own version of pain and grief but f**k him and f**k his wanting to be there for me. Like he said, too little too late.

A surge of energy courses through me as I toss the comforter off of my body and move off the bed so fast that I nearly collapse from not using my legs for the last couple of days. I right myself and then lunge right for him. He doesn't see it coming, neither does Chrissy when I slap him across the face so hard that my hand tingles from the searing pain used to gain momentum for that slap. I watch as his jaw ticks while his hand goes to hold his severely reddened cheek.

"f**k. You. Hunter." I spit, all the rage from whenever he hurt me, broke my heart, made me feel like I was nothing when all I ever wanted was to be something for him because he f*****g deserved to be loved by someone.

"Feel better?" He spits, eyes darkened, black as night. His nose is flaring with unshed anger towards my hysterics.

"Not in the least but you deserved that. I don't want to see you, hear from you, know of you any more. I want nothing to do with you. What we had, whatever connection we had through our child, is gone now. You are no longer obligated to worry about me, care about me, watch over me. You yourself can go home and stay there for f*****g ever!" I say, our bodies flush to one another, having me look up at him with fury. Our eyes locked on one another, both filled with determination and angst that the tension is palpable. Chrissy doesn't say a word, just eyeing us to see what happens next. Our chests are both heaving and the tension between us could be cut by a knife. Instead of saying anything, unleashing hell upon me for gutting him, he immediately swoops me up and throws me across his shoulder, with me punching his back continuously to get him to put me the f**k down.

"f**k the bag. I'll buy your ass clothes when we get home." He says and I continue beating him, feeling the blood rushing to my head.

"Let me down you sick son of a b***h. That is not home! You are not home! I hate you!" I screech, wondering why nobody is doing a damn thing to help me, a girl who is being carried against her will by a guy she obviously hates. So much for human decency towards one another. The assholes just watch. Every single person just watches as he carries me out of the dorms, across the campus lawn, and straight towards his car. I hear the door unlock and open, with him flipping me over, tossing me into the passenger seat, taking no chances and immediately fastening the seat belt across my chest. He slams the door shut, locks it, and continues to lock it when I keep unlocking it. As soon as he hops into the drivers side, he ignited the ignition.

"Just. Stop." He says between clenched teeth while white knuckling the steering wheel. He pulls out onto the street and steps on the gas, probably breaking every traffic rule just to get to the highway and far away from campus as possible. We don't say a word to one another for the whole ride back to his home. I just stare out the window, trying to calm myself down. Once we get there, which is hours later, he pulls into his driveway. This would be my first time seeing his actual home. The only place I have ever been to is his work office. Never here. He steps out of the car, slamming the door as I tentatively unclasp my seat belt and remain in the car wondering what the f**k I have gotten myself into now. I should have just pretended to sleep. He doesn't allow me to remain in the car mulling over what shitstorm is about to brew, trudging over and pulling the door open. He gives me his hand but I give him the finger, so fed up with his antics.

"Well, you got me here. f*****g happy now asshole?" I say through gritted teeth.

"f*****g elated." He spits back, marching away from me towards his front door. I don't even have shoes on my feet. Fucker carried me out of the dorm like a sack of potatoes with me dressed in nothing but sweats, an oversized hoodie, and socks. Thank god I love wearing socks at all times. The f*****g gravel hurts to walk on and before I know it, I am being tossed across his shoulder yet again.

"I could've f*****g walked asshole." I say which he just grunts a response to. Once we are through the door, he places me down and hangs his coat up, walking away from me. I stand there like a dumbass feeling unwelcome.

"Always the ever lovely tour guide!" I yell out, remembering the first day I had gotten to the group home and Sophie asked him to show me around, and him being the arrogant asshole he was, and still is mind you, denied her. I watch as he storms to me from around the corner.

"Want a tour? Let's go." He says grabbing my hand and pulling me with him.

"That's the kitchen, dining room, living room." He says as we bypass all three rooms and head for the stairs, the entire time his hand is gripping mine tightly.

"Guest room. Bathroom." He says while we fly down a hallway, bypassing a room which he hadn't told me about but I wasn't going to ask because I couldn't care less. We stop in front of a closed door which he releases my hand to open and when he does, it is like looking at my past all over again. Same colored walls from the group home. One bed this time but it looks similar to the one he had.

"This. This is my room. Same room you'll be..." He begins to say but I hold up my hand to stop him right there.

"We aren't going down that path again. I'm taking the guest room and there sure as s**t better be a lock on it because you aren't coming in. I may be here, but I am here against my will. I was very okay with my dorm room, bundled under my comforter, hiding away from the world, thank you very much." I say turning to leave and walk down the hall to where the guest room was he showed me. I open the door but he is right behind me breathing heavily. I step inside to which he follows.

"You want my guest room? Have at it. Not like you aren't going to be ending up in mine sooner or later." He says with a smirk and I just turn around and pin him with a glare.

"Let's get one thing f*****g straight here. It was you all those years ago that dragged me into your safety space. You kidn*pped me and made me stay with you. You pulled me into your vortex and allowed me to sink deeper and deeper into your dark void wanting nothing more to love you, yet you cast me away and allowed me to drown in my own misery, wondering what the hell I ever did to you for you to treat me like that. You pushed me away every f*****g time s**t got difficult between us. You continuously pushed me away and for what? Were you not ready for a future with me this time? I wasn't banking on one with you either because something negative always has to happen! I was prepared to live a life by myself. I didn't give a damn if you were in it or not! Yet still, here we are, back to square one where you think you are being my knight in shining armor yet all you are is the reaper to my destruction. You never once kept your promise to me. You never once allowed me in fully. All you do is tear at me, expecting me to cower to the pain and allow you to dig your claws deeper and deeper till I am nothing without you, but guess what? I literally am nothing now. I am nothing without my baby. I am a shell of myself and I'll be damned if you think you can fix me. Not this time Hunter. Not this time. The one thing I wanted more than anything to live and cherish and watch grow till they had their own children was ripped away from me because of my weakness in wanting to feel loved by someone because you weren't man enough to!" I yell out, not wanting to explode but needing to. He doesn't get to stand there all alpha asshole with me thinking that just because he whisked me away to his home means that anything is solved between us. I am festering on the inside with all these bottled up emotions that are needing to escape and for the life of me I don't think I'll be able to stop them from being unleashed.

"Are you blaming yourself for what happened?" He says softly, carefully stepping closer to me.

"Of course I am Hunter! It is my fault he or she is gone! I wanted so much to be a mother yet I was yearning so badly for a chance to move on from you! I was so at peace with my decision that my body expelled the last remnant of you while I was about to move on with...." I say to which he stills and begins to move away from me, looking like I had just sliced his heart with a knife.

"Move on with who?" He says in a tone void of emotion yet his eyes filled with simmering rage.

"With him." I say releasing a breath but sucking it quickly back in the moment the vase that was on the dresser to the side of us is thrown to the floor, smashing into a million pieces. I watch as he braces himself, holding onto the dresser, breathing erratically. I don't move from where I am. I remain frozen in place. The seconds feel like hours as I watch him stand and walk out of the room without a backwards glance of the destruction he caused, or at me.

My heart constricts at what I have said. Did I really want to move on from Hunter to be with Mason? Doubt it. I just wanted to seek out a reason to feel something from someone else. I wanted to be touched, loved, worshipped because didn't I deserve that much? I had put Hunter on such a high pedestal because he was my first everything. I never should have done that to myself. I should have never gotten close to him. I should have never allowed him to break down my walls. I wanted so much to love him, so much to be there for him through thick and thin that the moment I realized I had his baby inside of me, I knew if I couldn't have him, then I would forever have a piece of him. Now that that is gone, I have nothing.

The tears begin to fall down as I just curl myself up into a ball on the bed and continue to cry until sleep eventually takes me.