Irrevocably HERS

Chapter Ten

As always, instead of sticking around when s**t gets tough, and when the reality of our relationship becomes too real for me, I run for the hills. Do you think a guy like me is still worthy of a girl like her? A girl that is doing nothing but reaching for the stars, wanting to be someone, do something, with her life. I know that I cannot keep doing this. The back and forth. The self doubting. The need to try to keep it all together, for a happily ever after that I am sure is more than likely down the drain right about now. I left her with an ultimatum. Why the f**k did I do that?

All that I said to her that night when we got back together was not a heaping pile of crap. I was deadly serious because this girl is my endgame. She has been, is, and always will be, but I will not be the asshole to stand in her way. If she needs to go, then she has to go. If there is a chance that this will make her happy, then her happiness is all that I want. I want to see her smile. I want her to feel at peace with how her life is going. She'll need all the support she can get, but with the way I am acting like a selfish jerk, she'll always believe that I am the sole person to not support her. That is further than the truth but I acted like a crazed lunatic. That isn't how I want her to see me. I can either find a way to be with her when she is all the way over there or figure out a way to be without her. I don't need her feeling guilty. I don't want her having any regrets because of me.

I open the back door to the mechanic shop that I have been working at, learning the tricks of the trade of fixing cars and motorcycles from Old Man Samson who has had this place opened since back in the day when his own father opened it, and make my way up to the office. Not a great place to sleep in but the couch against the wall should suffice yet again. I've slept here a time or two when going back to the house wasn't an option. I plop down on the couch and throw my head back, wiping my face with my hands, contemplating on my next move. The right, smart, decent move would be to go back groveling and have her understand that I am a lost cause who still doesn't deserve her but, her here I am, waisting the time I have left with her wallowing in my own damn self pity. I'll go back eventually. Just not now. I can't. Not just yet. Why? Not a clue.

A smack to the head with a newspaper jolts me out of my sleep, making me nearly fall off the couch, hearing laughter from the culprit beside me.

"Serves ya right kid. The hell you doing crashing here for the past week? My office looks like a god damn pig sty. One night fine. Two maybe. But a damn week? What has you so scared at that home of yours, which is maybe not any more since your birthday is tomorrow?" Old Man Samson spits out while I rub the sleep out of my eyes, trying to tell up from down because I have not been getting good sleep on this hard ass hell couch these past five days. Yep. Pathetic. I know.

"It's only been five days Sam. Why the hell did you smack me with a newspaper? A simple tap would have sufficed." I say getting up and stretching, then gathering the makeshift pillow I made out of my hoodie, throwing it on, then gathering all my garbage and throwing it into a trash bag. I seriously need to get my s**t together. At least enough to take a shower with actual water and not baby wipes. Ugh. I feel and smell disgusting. I am such a coward.

"It's a sound wake up call. Lucky I didn't throw a bucket of water on you, cuz honestly kid, ya need it. Now, waking up to the sweet smell of coffee, which by the way, I made, is the next best thing, after grabbing a shower. Go grab yourself a cup and then come back and talk to me so you can finally find the common sense to go home and take care of yourself and patch up whatever you broke." He says and directs me to the ready brewed coffee. I do as he says and pour myself a cup and then hesitantly head back to him for what I am guessing is going to be a lecture followed by some sound advice. I sit back down on the couch and grimace. I hate this thing with a passion. I wish I could burn it.

"Well?" He says as if he is eagerly awaiting what conundrum I put myself into this time. Sam is a good guy. Has been living in the town since he was a kid, working side by side with his dad till he passed and the garage became his. He's been alone for a while, his old lady succumbing to cancer a couple of years back. It is just him. No kids. No family. I was just walking around wondering what the hell to do with myself one day until I charged right in and asked for a job, any job, to which he said that he could use an apprentice. From that day on, he has been teaching me everything I need to know, being a solid figure it my life. Fixing cars and bikes is a good skill trade to know. Maybe I could eventually open my own place. I'm a quick learner. I take a deep breath in and decide to unload my burdens.

"My girl, Amber, the one that I am always talking to you about, got into college in New York City, but failed to tell me that she ever even applied. I mean, of course it's awesome that she is paving a way for herself with a bright future but it just hurts. She didn't trust me enough to tell me. From my perspective, it was a shitty move, but, from her perspective, it was, I guess a way to try and protect me, us, by not telling me, since she already knew how I was going to act." I say to which he raises an eyebrow at me like seriously.

"Like a damn fool is you ask me. Now. Let me get this straight. Your girl, the girl of your dreams which is basically how you have always summed up the story of you two, got into college and you decided instead of congratulating her like the decent young man I thought you were, you practically ghosted her? Huh. Wouldn't expect that from you kid. If memory serves me right, weren't you going to marry her?" He says as he takes a sip of his coffee and I sigh.

"Ghosted? Since when have you used the term ghosted and how do you even know what that word even means?" I say giving him a raised eyebrow myself.

"I may look old but I do have ears kid. I've heard the young ones talking about that term so I decided to give it a go. Got it right didn't I? Ain't too shabby for this old man here. Now, back to you kid." He says back to me and I shrug.

"Back to you being a jackass to such a sweet girl." He says and I grunt.

"I have commitment issues okay?" I say to which he scoffs.

"Ya think? Is that her fault though? I don't think so. You, kid, are just one of those people who thinks everything that happens is done to make you suffer. You always see the damn negative in everything. Never the positive. Did you ever consider that maybe this wouldn't be the end to your story? That maybe this could be the beginning of a new journey between the both of you?" He says crossing his arms while kicking back in the leather recliner behind his desk.

"How would it be a thachapter? I don't have enough money to provide for us out there. I don't have a means of a job either to even think about supporting her the way she deserves. I'm at a loss here Sam. She should go out there and live her life but my selfish ass can't see past my needs, wants, desires for our future, the one we were supposed to build here, together. It's my selfishness that is going to be the end of us, if not already. I haven't even gone back to apologize. I haven't set foot into that house. What am I going to do now? She probably hates me." I say slamming the cup of coffee down onto the table in front of me. I wince when it splashes and burns my skin.

"You don't know that until you grow a pair and go to her. Explain your side. Don't simply assume that this is the end. You need to use your words not your selfish actions to prove that you can be the man she needs and deserves. If you love this girl like I know you do, you show her by supporting her. By being there for her. When times get tough, you say bring it on. Now, get out of here before I slap another newspaper across your head for being such a dumbass." He says and I just shake my head.

"Good talk Sam." I say before heading out. The old man just laughs.

I head back home in a slow pace, trying to come up with the words to say, and watch as the mailman scans the mail for our place by the door.

"I'll take that for you." I say to which he thanks me. I rummage through it to see two letters from the local state community college addressed to Chrissy Lawson and Amber Scott. I know I shouldn't be snooping but I need to. I carefully open the letter for Amber and read it.

Ms. Scott, it is with great pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted into our college for the fall semester.

If she got in then maybe Chrissy got in also. That would mean she wouldn't have to move miles away from me. She can stay here. With me. We can proceed making a life together. With all that being said, I can hear the selfishness spewing out of me. Everything is about me, me, and me. Never once did I say wow, she got into college. The fact that I want her here with me to go to an ordinary school rather than her going to NYU where the name itself wreaks of prestige is hands down the most petty thing I can do for a girl that has the ability to take the world by storm.

No.

I cannot allow her to stay here in this rinky dink town and become a shell of herself. She'll come to resent me. Resent us. Regret ever having met me. I fold the letter and stick it back into the envelope and reseal it. I leave the mail by the door and make my way upstairs to take a quick shower and get the hell out of here. The one thing I can do now is make sure she leaves to NY. She needs to get as far away from me as possible because if she doesn't, I'll never forgive myself. I love her enough to let her go. I can't just think about myself anymore. She needs to soar, not remain flightless because of my ass.

Hopefully, one day, she'll see that I let her go because I had to, not because I wanted to.

I make my way back to the garage and go about my usual routine, working on the current car that is in there when Sam notices I am back once again.

"Took the cowards way out again I suppose?" He says and shakes his head, face full of disappointment. Let him be disappointed. This is for the best. I know it is. The day trudges on in a blur, myself being on autopilot, until Sam shuts down his office and calls it a night, knowing all too well where I am staying.

"Hope you know what you are doing kid. To love fiercely comes once in a blue moon. I don't believe in the whole if you love the person let them go crap. It's a bunch of bologna. If you love the person, hold on to them for dear life or someone else will, and you'll be nothing but a distant memory." He says with a long look on his face before he walks off. I myself decide to head to the store and wind myself down with some beer and call it a night.

See, that mistake right there was all it took for my world to come to a screeching halt. Instead of winding up back at the garage on the uncomfortable couch, I find myself on a familiar mattress wondering what the hell I did last night.

I slowly awaken with banging against my door. I carefully open my eyes only to see that I am naked back in bed at the house, in my room. I groan yet the banging of my door doesn't stop, not until the person banging barges in like the madwoman she is.

"Come on Amber! Get up! We need to go put on our outfits for graduation. I know you're in...." Chrissy says loudly and animatedly up until the point where the girls head crawls out from beneath the sheets and, well, it isn't Amber. What the hell? Who the hell is this girl? Oh s**t. s**t. s**t. s**t.

"The f**k is this?! Who the f**k is she Hunter?! What the f**k did you do?!" She yells and my heart falls to my stomach. The girl just throws her head back down onto my pillow while Chrissy glares death daggers at me. She slams the door and I go to rise but I can hear talking outside.

"Amber. Amber don't go in there. Let's just go. We need to get dressed and down to the school." I can hear Chrissy practically pleading with Amber and I hope to god she listens but, unfortunately for me, she doesn't. She storms in like her life depended on it, to find out what was behind the door, to only come to look at me with hurt, shattered, distraught broken eyes.

"Amber....please......I can...." I plead myself only for her to stop me. She looks to me, then towards the bed, our bed, and a lone tear escapes her eye and slides down her cheek.

"No. You win Hunter. You always do." She says before she storms past Chrissy, with Chrissy hot on her trail. I leap out of bed, throwing on a pair of basketball shorts, and run after her. For the life of me, I don't know what the hell happened last night. When I get downstairs, I hear crying and swallow the limp in my throat. I make my way towards the door only for it to open and Chrissy storming out of it with a murderous look in her eyes.

"On our Graduation Day asshole?!" She says while slamming both her hands on my chest making me falter.

"Why the hell did you come back! You were better off gone! I hate you for her Hunter. She's crying her eyes out in there and all I want is to beat you to death!" She screams which has everyone opening their doors to see what the commotion is about. Sophie comes running up the stairs to see Chrissy's rage.

"Hey, now, let's calm down. What is going on?" She says in a worried tone and I don't speak because Chrissy begins.

"Hunter has a girl in bed with him. Amber saw it. She's hysterical. I'm hysterical. Who the hell was that girl anyway asshole?" She looks to me.

"The new girl Hunter? Really?" Sophie says and the night begins to come back to me. I'm disgusted with myself.

"You couldn't be bothered with me when I showed up but the moment a new piece of ass walks through the door you immediately become the gracious host? You're nothing but a miserable bastard Hunter. How could you?" Amber says before walking out of my life forever.

That night, after Sophie yelled at me about my behavior, I was told that once Chrissy and Amber's birthdays come around, they are heading off to begin schooling in NY. My ass was turning eighteen the next morning so I wound up once again crashing on Old Man Samsons couch, no longer anyone's problem, except my own.

I destroy everything.

I am a miserable bastard.