Irrevocably HERS

Chapter Seventeen

Amber

Remember when I thought everything was going to be fine and dandy? Yeah, I pretty much jinxed myself. I have been nothing more than an emotional basket case these last couple of weeks, everything and anything pissing me the hell off or making me giddy with joy. I've basically become the person who everybody has to tip toe around. Chrissy, bless her heart, has the patience of a saint. It's like she knows immediately how I will take things. She says if I have the look of Beatrix from Harry Potter, that means she needs to batten down the hatches and commence holding on to dear life thinking I am on the edge of ripping someone's face apart. When I have the little miss ray of sunshine gaze, all is well in the world. I try so hard to never pin my emotions at her or on her. She's been the best lately, my rock. She's helped me navigate the knocked up life and I am honestly so grateful to her. She has gone and purchased baby books, the popular What to Expect When You're Expecting, and has researched online certain details regarding pregnancy. I've never seen a person as determined as her to make everything seem like it'll be okay. She'll definitely be an awesome mother one day.

With that being said, her being my rock and all, I will now take a breath and initiate the dumpster fire that is my life when it comes to Mason and Hunter, the two people trying to gain my attention, while both are seriously grating on my nerves right about now. I can blame the hormones but, that would just be the easy way out. Mason has been a solid friend, solid caretaker of sorts, coming around every so often before heading for rounds at the hospital, making sure I am doing good. It should bring me some kind of comfort right? Wrong. It does nothing to make my heart swell. I want to allow myself to feel something for him. He's the kind of guy parents would die to have as a husband for their daughter.

He makes sure that I attend my appointments, booking me with the number one gynocologist at his hospital. I mean he has taken over every aspect of my knocked up life. Everything that has to do with this bun in the oven is number one to him. I'm not sure how to digest it all. I thought maybe Hunter, you know, the father of this baby would be taking care of things, but he has been too busy going back and forth from here to home. I get that he has another life but if he could be kind and considerate to a person who claimed that he was the father of their baby, can't he show the same consideration to me who actually is carrying his child? It's times like these where I want to shake some sense into him. He said he was all in but from where I am standing, he has pretty much done nothing to show me how much he wants this.

Then there is Mason. I care for Mason deeply, I do, but sometimes I think that he'll just come out and claim my baby even though he has no claim over them. I know I am thinking like a mad person, but, it's at some moments where a hint of all out possessiveness can be seen lurking in his eyes, especially when he knows Hunter is around. The way he makes sure I am okay and that the baby is okay should be moving but it's makes me second guess everything. I know exactly what is wrong with me right now. It's the fact that I am so blinded by love for a guy who shows little to no love for me. I need him here with me. I need him to show me that we are a united front for our child. Where the hell is he?

Mason makes it well known that he is all in for the long run and I should want that right? Damn my heart. I need to get myself out of the Hunter induced fog I have been in since I was a teen and get my s**t together. I must be insane for overlooking Mason, a guy who is choosing to be a father or semblance of a male role model to a kid that isn't even his. That has to be some sort of honorable chivalrous thing right? My mind says give him a chance, while my heart says, don't, to think very carefully about everything, yet it is driving me insane!

Dr. Lansbury, the gyno referred to be by Mason, who I have officially chosen to be my doctor, is such a delight, I have to admit. She asks how I am doing and treats me like a person and not just another dollar sign. I sometimes feel like I can confide in her the way I would a mother, but, since I don't have my mother helping and guiding me along this journey, Dr. Lansbury is there for me. I walk out of her office ever more optimistic of getting through this pregnancy scotch free.

How wrong I was.

It all started when I was attending one of my classes one morning. I had felt achy that morning, nauseous to a high extent, but I thought I could wing it because my number one focus was to finish schooling and graduate so that I could gain a degree and start hunting for a job in order to support myself and the little ball of love growing inside of me. I managed to get through the class without a hitch, slowly sipping my Coca Cola and eating the saltine crackers I packed myself, but once the professor dismissed us, I had gotten up and wound up nearly collapsing. Thankfully, Chrissy was waiting for me outside and was immediately chased down by one of my classmates, being told the state I was in. She immediately dialed Mason and then dialed Hunter soon afterwards, because you know, he has to be kept in the loop even though he is barely ever here.

"Mason wants you at the hospital ASAP. Hunter is meeting us there." She stated matter of factly and I grimaced. The two of them can not get a long at all. Mason wants me. Hunter wants me. They both want each other six feet under. Did I tell you that that alone causes me added stress? Pretty sure I did.

When we got to the hospital, Hunter was pacing back and forth like a crazy person, looking like he had ran a marathon to get to me. That one little act had my heart soaring. Once he saw me, he immediately ran to my side and placed his hand on my stomach. His touch alleviated some of my fears, yet managed to heighten my annoyance with him. Wonder if he ever ran like hell when it was Vicky's baby. I allowed him to keep his hand against my stomach the entire time, helping to try and quiet the storm within me, even it wasn't all too helpful, until I was called in.

"How are we doing angel?" Mason said as he came into the room, coming to my side while finally noticing Hunter on the other side of me.

"Are you f*****g kidding me right now?What have I told you about using nicknames towards Amber, especially when I am around her? I am the only one that can call her by a nickname. Not you asshole." Hunter spat while Mason just rolled his eyes.

"With everything going on at this very moment, you decide that me calling her angel is priority against the fact of why she is even here? Where the hell have you been lately? I haven't seen you once stopping by, watching over Amber and the baby, your baby may I remind you, inside her. Is this already too much for you to handle to even regard my angel and how she is doing?" Mason replied, saying basically everything thought I had, while white knuckling the clipboard to his chest waiting for Hunter to issue out yet another excuse to his lack of coming around and involvement.

"I have been coming around if you must know asshole. I usually pop in by the end of the day." He stated but was in fact lying just to get a rise out of Mason, but he wasn't fooled. I honestly wanted to kick Hunter in the head for wanting to start while I was stuck in a hospital bed for the second time, extremely worried and panicked.

"The times I am there is to hold her during the night, rub circles against her stomach and wait for the day when the baby starts to kick. The baby will know my touch and voice, not yours, since I'm the father, not you." Hunter seethed back and I just closed my eyes, not wanting to deal with Hunters bullshit, until their feud ended. I couldn't argue. All I cared about was why I was feeling so sick. I idly rubbed circles along my stomach trying to make myself feel at ease.

"Honestly Amber. You can cut the tension with a knife in this room. I take it you two don't see eye to eye." Dr. Lansbury said curtly as she walked over to me, glaring at both of the men standing guard beside me.

"Mr Grey. Please remember that while in this hospital, you will treat the patients and their guests, whether they are welcomed or unwelcome, with respect. I do not care about your personal affairs between you and him. Right now, he is her guest. Take the testosterone level down a peg. That goes for you too." She glared at Mason and then at Hunter who visibly looked unaffected but on the inside, I knew he was fuming.

"How are you feeling now Amber?" She asked softly to me and I shrugged.

"I pretty much feel the same. I feel weak but when I try to eat or drink, I wind up puking it all back out as of lately." I tell her truthfully to which both guys stared at me with concern, and a hint of anger for keeping my condition a secret from them.

"I hate to say this Amber, but, I believe it necessary for you to take it easy from now on. No more worrying about school. Your sole priority is this baby. You have what is known as Hyperemesis Gravidum. It means that while you try to absorb all you can, your body casts it out. You have lost weight and I am worried that if you lose any more, it will put you in severe risk. What you need to do is rest, in bed, at all times." She said with a sympathetic tone but all I could manage to do was begin to panic. I latched on to Hunter's hand and began to squeeze tightly, not caring if it was his hand or Mason's.

"Can't she maybe switch to online schooling? I'm sure her professors wouldn't mind. There's only a couple of months left to finals and then graduation." Hunter said knowing exactly how I was feeling, still showing me he knows me better than anybody else.

"I would think that would be beneficial, for the both of them." Mason said quickly after, just to throw in his two cents.

"I do not see the harm in online courses. She can rest and continue her schooling. Graduate with her classmates but maybe, virtually unfortunately. I will have my department write the cause on a letterhead if you deem in necessary. Is that okay Amber?" She asked and all I could do was nod.

"Okay then. Now, we will keep her here for a couple of more hours, giving her some nutrients through an IV, and anti nausea medicine before we release her." She said before exiting the room.

"Want me to handle everything with your professors? I can speak with them when I have some downtime." Mason asked but by the looks of it, Hunter was already about to detonate from the fact that Mason cares enough to help out.

"I will take care of everything for her." Hunter gritted out before dismissing him with a wave of his hand.

"If you don't mind asshole, I need a moment with Amber." He said as Mason disregarded his attitude and looked to me, giving me a slight smile.

"I'll be back with your discharge papers in a little while. I can also drive you back to your dorm and stay with you for the night. Reeve is taking Chrissy somewhere special tonight. Guy couldn't stop talking about his plans with your bestie." He said smiling, waiting for a reply from me but mine doesn't come out, only Hunters.

"For f**k sakes, I'm right here dipshit. I can take her home. I can watch over her. You do you and continue your days work here and I will take care of my girl and my baby. Do you understand or do I have to pound it into you?" Hunter said menacingly, now standing before him, eyeing him with unbridled hatred. There goes the testosterone levels again.

"How about you do what you do best and run away like you always have. I know this is a major life event happening for you and I'm not sure you can withstand the stress of it all. Me? I am used to stress. I am used to be given doses of reality and to know when to step the f**k up. You haven't quite learned that trait yet. Once s**t hits the fan again, you'll be running while me? I'll be staying. I have been here this whole damn time yet you haven't. Why is that Hunter? Can't live up to the expectations of being a father?" Mason gritted out before leaving, seeing the distraught look on my face from his words. Hunter stood there wanting to end him but all I wanted was for everyone to stop fighting.

"Easy now Hunter." Is all I said before he turned to look at me and all the anger seemed to have washed away from the sound of my voice.

"He's right though and I hate the fact that he is. I haven't been around much lately because of all the back and forth I am doing between here and there. I'm trying so hard to stay afloat for you two but I feel like I am failing, yet again, like I always have." He said carefully asking me with his eyes to allow him to lie down next to me on the bed. I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder as he just pulled me close to his body."

"You both don't have to worry so much. I am not some glass pitcher that will shatter if dropped. I am taking it day by day and yes some days are tougher than others but I am managing because I have people in my corner. Now, if I can manage to keep down food and liquids, gain some weight back, then that will be really awesome." I say to which he chuckles slightly.

"I'm not bailing on you or our baby Amber. I'd travel through the depths of hell to keep you guys happy. I've been actually apartment hunting but I realized that I can't just decide on a place for us without your input. I don't want to be selfish anymore. This is a big decision and I want to know what you want." He said as I just turned to look at him. His eyes bled with emotion that it gripped me around the heart.

"Apartment?" I say and he nodded.

"I don't know what to say Hunter." I say.

"Just tell me you will at least consider it. Like I said. I want to be around you and the baby. I want to be in our child's life. I want you too Amber, more than just a co parenting lifestyle. I want to marry you." He said and I nodded, feeling my emotions going haywire. I sniffled and realized the tears had already strewn down my face, soaking his shirt. Instead of fuming, unleashing the storm that was brewing inside me because for some strange reason, I didn't believe him, I chose to break down crying from his sentiment and the fact that he saw a forever with me and our baby.

We didn't say anything else along the lines of our future, until my discharge papers had come and I was led out of the hospital and into the waiting Uber Hunter had ordered. It was his sole mission to get me back home safely and the moment we were back, he finally exhaled. Once we were back in my dorm, Chrissy was not in the room like Mason said, leaving me and Hunter alone.

"Let's watch a movie, okay?" He said and all I could do was nod. Once we got ourselves situated, I immediately felt my eyes drooping closed. I found myself not wanting to fall asleep, only because it has been so long since Hunter was in my proximity. With all the words he said, I could feel he was becoming more distant. His walls were closing and I couldn't for the life of me understand why when this was part of the dream that he had wished for. I was the mother of his child, supposedly the love of his life, but for some reason, he couldn't see past his own selfishness.

That's when s**t hit the fan again.

I knew all the words that had come out of his mouth were nothing but lies.

How I wanted to believe him. That he would be there for me and our child, but, he continued to do what he does best and vanished, once again.

"Is it just me or have I lost the ability to retain information that I have just read for the millionth time?!" I say, to no one in particular, in an exasperated tone, chucking the textbook across the room watching as it hits the door. I then hear the door opening, Chrissy and Reeve walking in slowly.

"Everything okay?" Chrissy asks me in a wary but calm tone knowing I could become volatile at some points. I don't mean to be. I hate myself for lashing out at the stupidest things. I still can't manage to hold down food but thankfully, water stays down now. As long as I don't become dehydrated, I should be fine, is what the doctor said. I've lost another few pounds which the doctor finds it concerning but no matter what medicine I take, the food won't cooperate with my stomach. The fact that finals are coming up and I can barely function as is is making this ten times harder. At moments I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. I can't even provide nutrients to my child. How am I going to be as a mother? Am I going to fail my child when he or she is born? Their father has already done a spectacular job of disappearing. God, why can't anything work out for me? I'm a shell of myself. I'm basically twig size with a small bowling ball as a stomach. I don't look like myself. I don't feel like myself. I'm not in the best head space either. I throw myself back into one of my pillows and take the other one and cover my face with it and scream.

"Amber, angel, what's wrong?" Reeve says as he prys the pillow out of my grip and throws it to my side.

"I can't do this anymore Reeve. I feel like I am a complete failure right now. I try and eat but can't. Mason has me surviving on IV liquids but I am dying for actual food. I am trying so hard to be the best mother I can be but I am failing miserably and the baby isn't even here yet. I can't seem to do anything right anymore. I am trying to ace my finals but my brain is so fogged up that I can't remember anything that I am trying to study. I am having this baby with nothing even set when it comes time for us to be out of here. I don't think I can do this. I'm failing and I'm tired and I just can't Reeve. I can't do this. I can't." I say with my voice cracking and breaking and tears flowing down my face. Reeve grabs hold of me and embraces me and I cling to him like a lifeline. I am sobbing so much into his chest that I can't make it stop. I know I am not alone. I know I have Reeve, Chrissy and Mason all in my corner but right now in my f****d up head, I am all alone with only negative thoughts, and I fear I will never be the same after this.

Moments drag on until I am at whimper level, my eyes burning from all the tears I have unleashed, my nose stuffed with snot that I feel utterly embarrassed. Reeve is running his fingers through my hair while I hear Chrissy on the phone making plans. I tear my face away from Reeves chest and grimace when I see it is completely soaked.

"Oh god. I'm so sorry Reeve." I say whisper level while trying to rub my tears from his shirt.

"Don't you dare apologize." He says while I don't even have it in me to look him in the eyes. I'm such a despicable person.

"That's it. I've had enough. All of this, this is messing with your head way too much Amber. We need to get you somewhere, anywhere other than here, and it being Spring Break and all, what better reason then to get the f**k out of here. You are crawling back into a depression and I for one will not watch my sister drown herself in worry and fear. I've just spoken to Mason. We are taking a little vacay at his family's beach house." Chrissy says while plopping down next to me and bringing me in to her body with my head resting on her shoulder. I'm too busy sniffling away to really register her words. Once I replay them, I seem to snap out of my hysterics.

"Wait. Beach house? But, what about..." I begin to say only to be cut off.

"Sweetheart, I love you and I am making this happen because I love you too much to see you stress yourself out. You need time to decompress and what better way than to relax on a beach while soaking up some sun? We are all going because we are all your ride and die. We'll be there if you need us and Mason will be there because he is a doctor of sorts, and the fact that he cares for you deeply. Besides, he has been with you every step of this pregnancy and the guy is head over heels in love with you that I don't think you can go anywhere without him following you like a love sick puppy dog. You need this Amber. You need to relax and remain calm for my little nephew or niece. Please. Let us do this for you. Let us give you back some light because we can't stand to see you fall into a pit of despair. You need to be strong again. You need to be you again and f**k everything else. I know what is causing this and I swear when I see said person, he better watch his back." Chrissy says and I keep myself from shedding tears for the love I once knew that is making me head down this rabbit hole of hurt and pain. Instead, I begin to shed happy tears because of they people who will fight for me.

"You're right. I need to be somewhere that isn't surrounded by these four walls, at least for a little while. Thank god for Spring Break." I say and give a small smile to my bestest friends in the whole wide world. I don't even know what or where I would be without them in my life.

"Yay! I'm going to start to pack." Chrissy says with a beaming smile.

"Me too." Says Reeve who pulls her in for a kiss before leaving our room.

With our bags packed and the guys grabbing them to load into Mason's SUV, I look up into the sky, close my eyes, and take a deep breath and exhale slowly. It feels good to be outside and away from my dorm room. I'm actually really excited to be getting away and not having to worry about mental breakdowns.

"You ready angel?" Mason says beside me and I nod with a smile. He takes my hand in his and leads me to the front seat and opens the door for me. He waits as I get myself in comfortably and closes the door, skipping over to the drivers side.

"Alright. Let's go have ourselves a damn awesome Spring Break shall we?" He says before starting the car and driving away from the campus. My hand instantly goes to my stomach, rubbing it absentmindedly while my other hand is taken and squeezed gently by Mason's hand. He intwines our fingers and unlike other times, this time feels more intimate and the tingles that run through my arm are undeniable. We remain that way even when I find myself having fallen asleep. I wake up to Mason unclasping my seatbelt and him brushing hair behind my ear in such a gentle manner.

"Come on angel, we are here. Time for nothing but relaxation." He says softly and sweetly while I slowly open my eyes to his glimmering ones. The smell of salt water hits my nose and I open my eyes wider and take a look at the view before me. Sand, water, just pure peace surrounds me.

"Let's go inside so I can give you the grand tour." He says and holds out his hand to take mine and I don't hesitate. Being here has me already feeling better. I think I am going to find my zen once and for all. I believe this is when I will place my past in the past and keep it there and only look towards the future. The future is bright. I'll make damn sure of it .