The Second Hand Luna

7.The Letter

IRIS

I stood frozen at the spot and when Ronan came back, he was carrying a box. It looked heavy and old. He set it on the desk beside the flowers and met my eyes.

"These are… were…Elara's. But they're about you." He must have seen the confusion on my face, before he added, "She kept everything about you. Every article, every interview, every CD from songs you wrote. She was proud of you, Iris. Even when things were not okay between you."

He stepped back, giving me space. "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me. Take your time." And then he was gone, leaving me alone with a box full of my sister.

The first thing I pulled out was a letter.

It was dated six months after I had left the pack. My hands trembled as I unfolded it, recognizing Elara's handwriting.

Dearest Iris,

I don’t know if this will ever reach you. I don’t even know if you would tear it apart the moment you see my handwriting. Part of me thinks you should. You have every reason to.

But I can’t keep carrying these feelings inside me. I need an outlet and maybe these letters will give me a bit of peace.

When you left, some pack members said you were dramatic. That you were ungrateful and you would come crawling back once you realised the world was harsher than home. I said nothing, because nothing could be as harsh as this place.

I miss you. You were my best friend. My other half before everything changed. I didn’t see it then. I didn’t see how wrong our parents and the pack were to you. I am so, so sorry.

I found your diary once. The one with the silver moon on the cover. I swear to you, I wasn’t snooping into your things. I was looking for my sweater. But I saw my name and I read it. All of it. I know about Ronan. I know that the first song you ever wrote was about him. About loving someone who never once thought to look your way.

You loved him first and I took him anyway. When we discovered we were mates and the pack celebrated, they called it a perfect match. A blessing from the moon. But do you know what I remember most from that night?

You.

Standing at the edge of the crowd. Smiling too brightly with tears in your eyes. Ronan does not know and sometimes I wonder what could have been.

When you left, I wanted to chase you. I wanted to run after you and beg you to stay. But I didn’t know how to close the distance that had grown between us. I didn’t know how to undo years of blindness in a single conversation. I was ashamed. Ashamed that I had failed you. Ashamed, that part of me always felt like Ronan would have made more sense with you.

Sometimes I wished the moon goddess had chosen differently. Maybe then you would still be here with us.

I wished he had been your mate. Not because I didn’t care for him. But because you deserved to be chosen first. For once.

If you are reading this, then maybe I am no longer around and the moon is trying to correct the past.

And if that is the case, I need you to hear me clearly. Do not run because of me. Do not punish yourself because you think you are taking something that was mine.

I sometimes think the bond that tied Ronan and me together was never meant to last. Maybe it was a consequence. If there is another chance for you, take it.

And please, Iris… forgive me. My greatest regret in this life will always be how I wronged you.

Your loving sister,

Elara

I was crying before I finished, and I couldn't stop the sob that tore out of my chest. Under the letter were more. Dozens of them which were dated over years. Every few months she had written even when she had no way to send them.

I reached in and pulled out another letter. And another. And another. And each was more painful than the other.

I heard your song on the radio today.

Saw your interview in that magazine. You're so articulate. You were always the smart one.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

And beneath the letters there were clippings. Newspaper articles about songwriters. Interviews I had given under my professional name. CD booklets with my name in the credits. She had kept tabs on me.

I pulled out a clipping from a music magazine. There was a photo of me at an awards show, smiling and confident. On the margin, in Elara's handwriting were the words, My beautiful sister shining.

The sob immediately turned into a wail. She had written me into her life, tried to make amends and I had erased her completely. I had blocked her number and ignored her messages. She had begged me to come even in her final moments and I had not given her a chance. And now she was gone.

I didn't hear Ronan come in.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I should have warned you. I didn't think.."

"It's not your fault." I replied.

"It's mine. All of it. She wrote to me for years and I never…I didn't…"

I couldn't finish talking as I found myself crying in between the words. Ronan just pulled a chair close and sat beside me, close enough, not touching, never touching, but close enough that I could feel the warmth radiating off him like a second skin.

We sat like that for a long time. Me crying and him waiting. Gradually my breathing evened out, and I could feel a sense of calm wash over me. Something inside me felt like everything was going to be okay.

I realized it was because of calming pheromones. Ronan was releasing them deliberately. Trying to soothe me without crossing the line. My wolf melted into it, purring, and I couldn’t argue. It was pretty thoughtful.

I pulled myself together eventually, wiping my face as I stood on wobbly legs. "I should... clean up." Ronan nodded, rising smoothly and stepping back immediately, giving me space. "I'll put lunch together. If you're hungry."

I was actually starving. Grief did weird things to one's appetite. "You don't have to.."

"I know." He paused at the door, looking back at me with those grey eyes. The ones I had written poems about as a lovesick teenager, hidden in a diary I had never thought anyone would find.

"But I want to. Take your time." He replied.

When I finally made it to the bathroom to splash water on my face, my eyes were swollen and my nose was red. The girl in the mirror looked like a stranger. I was in Elara’s clothes and somehow mated to my childhood crush.

He didn't see you then, I reminded myself. Why would he see you now?

My wolf whined, unhappy with the thought. Mate sees now. Mate brought flowers. Mate made breakfast.

He needs me for pack stability. Not the same thing. I replied, but the words felt hollow, even to me.