Lavender

Chapter 4 - Acceptance

LAVENDER'S POV

Silence. That's what greeted me after blurting out my secret right on my best friend's face. She stayed quiet, staring right back at me as if her mind just went faulty.

I sighed as I could feel my eyes watering. I'm freaking nervous. I don't know why Jada is not talking. I don't even know if she's disgusted. I don't even know what she's thinking, and that's what makes me nervous as hell. I said I would accept Jada's judgment about me being bisexual, but I'm still hoping. Based on her reactions, I wished she would accept me as I am.

It's clear that she didn't wish or even want a best friend who's someone like me in the first place. A girl who can also be attractive to others. It pains me to break my friendship with Jada but seeing that she has this shocked and quiet reaction in front of me, it's crystal clear that she just does not want to talk or say a word. Or maybe she just doesn't want to say anything at all as she's just feeling sorry for me.

I just swallowed while feeling what seemed to be a blockage in my throat. Feeling hurt, I hide it. I don't want Jada to see me breaking down. Blinking my eyes to stop my tears from falling, I faked a smile before looking at Jada's face, who is now watching me intently.

Damn it. It hurts losing a friend. Jada is my only friend. She's the only one who stayed being a friend even if our differences made us look weird. Who will even want to be friends with me? I'm just a boring, strange, and lonely witch anyway.

"It's o-okay, Jada," I said, still faking a smile as I felt my tears betraying me, showing to Jada what kind of hopeless person I am to be with. "I accept your reaction and your decision. I'm sorry for hiding it from you, believe me. I just realized it too. I looked at some pretty girls, admiring their beautiful faces or great body. I just found it out too, Jada. And we have been friends for years, and I understand if I made you look stupid for not knowing my sexuality, Jada. I'm really, really, sorry," I said, apologizing before turning my back on Jada and walking away.

I was about to take the stairs when I heard Jada calling my name. "Damn it, Lavender!" Jada said before feeling her hand on my right arm and turning me to face her again. "Who said you could walk out just like that?" she said, her left brows raised as if she's annoyed.

A tear dropped down on my cheeks, and I sniffed as I felt my nose starting to get runny. Gosh, I'm so feeling stupid right now. To think that Jada will accept me, who am I kidding?

"It's okay, Lavender," Jada said as her grip on my right arm became tight. It was enough to grip not to hurt me while her hand was still on my right arm like she was comforting me. But her comforting me just because I revealed to her what my sexuality is, is not something I want. I don't need her feeling sorry for me. I don't want her feeling sorry for she can't accept what my sexuality is.

I take Jada's hand off my right arm discreetly before brushing off the tears that make my cheeks wet before looking at Jada's face again. "No, Jada. It's okay. I understand if you don't want to be friends with me anymore. I lied to you for months, became scared of what will be your reaction if you know. Either you hated me for lying or hated me for lying about my sexuality. It's okay, Jada. I understand you want this friendship to end. Who would want to be with a friend who's a liar and a bisexual anyway?" I said before sniffling again.

Jada gazed at me intently. Her eyes narrowed, I immediately looked away. Shit, did I say something wrong?

Knowing how annoyed Jada was at me. I've known Jada since we have met. Knowing how she looks every time she's annoyed gives me the creep. She's scary every time she's annoyed. I know it since I have witnessed and experienced two or three times a piece of her annoyance.

"And who said I don't want to be friends with you?" Jada said as she put her hand onto her waist, her eyes getting narrow as she took one hair-raising step towards me.

But what she said... Does it mean she still accepts me?

"I..." Damn it, Lavender. Why am I so dramatic? Now Jada's annoyed. My sadness subsided with discomfort as Jada continued to stare at me. I turned my head to the ground, evading Jada's stare.

"Again, who said I don't want to be friends with you?" Jada said that made my eyes train on her again.

Now that she has asked me twice. It confirmed that she accepted me, a reason enough to make me smile but quickly hide it when a cloud of warning settled on Jada's features. Her eyes bulged as she closed some distance, using her face when she saw me opening my mouth as if knowing I would only say nonsense excuses to her.

I sighed, putting my hands up. This is our way of saying we give up or we are wrong every time we get into fights for small things. I'm happy that Jada still accepted me, but I'm still ashamed. For hiding my sexuality from Jada and not trusting her.

"Sorry," I said, my eyes on the ground. Tears drop on my cheeks, I speak. "Sorry for not saying anything, Jada. As I said, I was chickened out. I'm scared of what your reaction will be once I reveal it to you. You are also everyone's favorite, Jada. People will judge you once everyone finds out that you are friends with someone like me."

"Someone who?" she asked. Still, her eyes have this unwavering glare to me.

"Someone like me," I said lowly, answering her.

"And? Do you think I care about these things you said?" she said, which made my heart hurt a bit. Shit. Jada can really be mean sometimes. "I don't care to anyone's judgment, Lavender. You are my best friend," Jada said, which made my eyes widen.

Staring at her in awe, I speak. "You really do accept me? B-but, Jada... Aren't you worried about what anyone will think of you if you continue to hang out with me... knowing that I'm a bisexual?"

What I said made Jada look at me incredulously. "Unbelievable. You know what? You are so annoying today. I already answered that question, and then you still asked the same question again," Jada said, annoyed. "Why don't you stop thinking of what others will think about, Lavender? If they have said something, they still don't care. If you are bisexual, then be yourself, Lavender. Don't give a damn about what others will think about you."

What Jada said hit me hard. What she said was like a slap in my face. For thinking other's criticization too much than to love what I am now. Jada is right. I should stop thinking of others' judgment and start appreciating how blessed I am for having a friend like Jada. For having a great friend who will accept and love me for what I am. I feel dumb for overthinking, causing me to be scared and chicken out to tell Jada the truth.

But now that she knows, I was really relieved. Now that she knows, I got a bit of confidence in who I am until an imagination for being bullied started playing on my mind. The relief in my chest was instantly erased as I looked at Jada, feeling embarrassed for what I was about to say.

"I understand what you said, Jada. But can you... uh, uhm?"

Damn it, Lavender! Why am I so scaredy-cat? I hate myself for being like this sometimes.

"But can I what, Lavender? What is it that you want to say right now?" Jada said that made me smile awkwardly before scratching a part of my temples.

"Ca-can..." Dang. I got to stop stuttering before Jada's annoyance gets more even worse. It's just so hard to stop feeling scared, but what can I do if I'm still feeling a little discomfort.

I still don't want everyone to know about my sexuality because it's already enough that my parents and my only great friend know about it. And I'm still not confident enough to let everyone know about my sexuality. I'm afraid I still need time to come out before letting everyone know.

"Can you keep this a secret?" I said that made Jada groan in annoyance.

"Oh, God! Lavender. Why do you have to be scared? Just love who you are. Don't think about what other people will say and start loving what you are!" she said, annoyed that made me look to the ground.

God, I'm hopeless. Why can't I be confident? I want to be like Jada, who's full of confidence, but how can I even do that if I can't even start loving who I am. It's not just the other people's judgment that is the only thing I'm thinking.

I'm also afraid of my Mother's reaction even if she knows already. What if everyone already knows, and Mom didn't like it because I'm dragging her name around? That I'm putting dirt on my family's name and being a disgrace for being bisexual.

I'm blessed for having a great friend like Jada but life with my parents, who are always strict. I just didn't know what I would do once people started judging me together with my parents.

"Jada. I don't want to be added to my Mom's reasons to be distant. You know how intimidating Mom is while Dad is just always siding how Mom thinks. Once everyone finds out about my sexuality, they will start judging me, and Mom will be really angry once she finds out I'm putting dirt on our family's name," I said, forcing a smile, feeling my anxiety kicking in.

Jada sighed as her shoulders relaxed. "If that's what you want..." Jada said and nodded. "If that's what you want, I will keep quiet. Sorry for being hard and pressuring you, Lavender. I understand your fear. I just want you to love yourself but now that there's a deeper reason to slowing down loving yourself, then..." Jada said as she put her left hand on my right shoulder. "It's okay, Lavender. It's okay. Just so you know, I hated the lying part, but we had a lifetime to get back, okay?"

What Jada said made me chuckle instantly. "Of course, of course, you unforgivable witch," I said, and Jada just chuckled.

"Actually, I'm also relieved that you're bisexual. Because I, also have a secret," Jada said, which made my eyes wide.

"What secret?" I asked, curious.

"I'm relieved because it means that you aren't going to be one of those persons who am I after," she said, which made me raise my brow.

"Who are you after?" I asked, but Jada just smiled before crazily moving her body as if she were excited.

"I have a crush on our school's basketball member. Try guessing who," she said before squealing.

"Uh, you know that I don't care about anyone, right? Other than you. I can't guess anyone, Jada. I just don't care about other people's names," I said that made blows a loud breath.

"Why are you such a loner?" Jada said that made me chuckle.

"Thank you for reminding me again," I said to tease her, but she just silenced me.

"Argh, fine! It's Damon. The school basketball's MVP. He's my new crush, Lavender!" Jada said, making me quite shocked.