Irrevocably HERS

Chapter Six

I asked for her to be my temporary solution. I knew what I was doing. Well, I thought I did. What I should have asked was forever. My body, heart, soul and mind knew once I had a taste of her, I would be claiming her as mine for the rest of my life. I should have demanded an eternity with her from the start instead of being a selfish asshole and watching as I break her heart. Why the hell I hadn't at any point during our vacation will always be nagging at me.

Rising from the bed that morning, leaving her naked body in my bed while I got ready to go to school, continuing my daily routine before us had happened, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I myself don't understand what the hell was running through my mind. Maybe I thought everything was becoming too real? Was I just scared of the inevitable? Our inevitable? I wanted to crawl back into bed with her, have her riding me over and over until we were both sated and spent, then heading out as a couple back into the real world and to school. I wanted to show every motherfucker that looked her way knowing who she belonged to. Instead, I showered, got dressed, went downstairs, and left for school without looking back.

Who was I kidding though? She would never want me fully. She would or could not ever fall in love with a guy like me who sees everything in grey. There is no color in my life. No hope. No joy. That was what I thought.

Not until her.

I have no hopes, no dreams, no aspirations. I am a complete mess, tad bit unhinged, just a person who doesn't deserve a happy ending. Amber on the other hand deserves everything. She deserves to be the queen that she is. She deserves to be catered to. She deserves a person that can love her the way she wants and deserves to be loved. Not by an unhinged loser like myself.

That can be you you spineless fool. You know it could.

No. No it can't. She can never know that she is the love of my life. I have already ruined her by having her be with me for this short amount of time, but for the life of me, it was the best few days of my existence. I was able to show my feelings to her through our connection because she knew how to just listen to the nothingness I said, to not judge, to not look at me with utter sadness. We both were given a crappy hand but Sophie was right. Amber does not deserve this life. She deserves to be happy. I doubt that I can ever make her happy.

I walk to school by my lonesome, pitying myself for being the type of person that shouldn't be happy, and find myself back at this hellhole. Once the bell rings. I head to my first period class and am immediately told to go to the counselors office. I grunt, not really needing any more bullshit in my life, as I make my way there and am about to leave when my counselor comes out and tells me to come into her office.

"Hunter. Hope you had a wonderful vacation. I just wanted to let you know that you have garnered enough credits to graduate early." She says and my eyes widen in shock, clearly not prepared for that comment.

"Really?" Is all I can ask. I am too shocked for words.

"These are things that I don't joke about Hunter. You can go and finish your day here or just come back tomorrow and I will have your diploma ready for you, I mean unless you want to walk on stage for your diploma in June. It's not that far away." She says, but she can sense the hesitation and not knowing from me.

"I think maybe you should think about this. Come back to me when you have made your decision. Congratulations Hunter." She says before dismissing me. The end of the period rings out and I find myself walking towards Ambers first period class, because of course I know exactly where she is. She is the first and only person I want to enjoy this moment with. Will she accept me even though I left her hanging this morning? However, the moment I get there, the breath I didn't realize I was holding flies out of me when she crashes right into me. The sight of her makes my heart soar. The spark I feel sailing throughout me is exhilarating. I am about to whisk her away only to see Reeve coming up from behind her and placing his filthy hand against the small of her back. It takes everything within me to not deck him for touching what is mine.

Not mine. Not mine. Right?

I don't even know what he is saying until I hear the words walk to class and I immediately answer for Amber. I grip her hand like it were my lifeline and make sure to not let go. Reeve then mentions something about a question he asked her, asked my girl, even though she doesn't know she is my girl because I haven't publicly claimed her yet because I was too much of an asshole thinking she deserved better than me. I can't lose her. Especially not to that tool. This is a back and forth battle I am having with myself. The chance at being rejected scares the s**t out of me. Only in her binder have I claimed that she was mine. The stupid asshole that I am wrote her a small note saying she was mine, no matter what. Instead of writing it, I should have told her, screamed it from the school rooftop. I am such a loser. This is why I don't deserve her.

I direct us to her next period class and I lose myself for a second and pin her to the wall wanting to know exactly what it is Reeve asked her. It takes everything in me to not touch her, kiss her, grip her brutally where I know she would be harboring bruises from my fingertips, because right now all I want to do is stake my claim for the whole world to see and hear. I count to ten in my head to calm the possessive side of myself and think about the question that is burning on the tip of my tongue.

"Did Reeve ask you out?" I say through clenched teeth. It disgusts me that he is even considering thinking he can be her knight in shining armor. I want to be that for her yet am I man enough to even ask her? I keep my eyes trained on her and I know she can feel the palpable tension between us. I wait on bated breath for her answer.

"Yes." She says and I can feel the burn of full blown rage consuming me.

"What was your answer?" I ask hoping to god she hadn't agreed, but we aren't an item, not together, just two people who had a fling during the vacation, so who am I to dictate who she can and cannot go out with?

Her damn everything that's who!

"I didn't give him one." She replies and I don't know what to think or feel right now. Someone who could possibly give her a better life, damn, maybe a better time? I don't know. What if they go out, fall in love, he proposes, she says yes and he buys her a damn house with a white picket fence and plants baby after baby inside her? I know I am thinking too far ahead but damn. He could possibly give her more than me, and the dumbass wants to try, and here I am standing here, broken and ashamed thinking I could be her saving grace even though I know for sure she is definitely mine. Instead of pleading for her not to go out with him, instead of dropping to my knees and laying it on thick that I want her for keeps, for eternity, I simply back away and hightail it back to my counselors office only to give her a finalized answer.

"I will be picking up my diploma tomorrow."

I come back to my room to find Ambers bag on the bed and her binder opened and ready for her to do homework. I know she is in the shower so I quickly gather the papers that I miraculously taped back together and slip them into her binder. Even though it took me hours throughout the nights, playing build the puzzle with the shreds of paper, I put them all back together, for her. These papers were her everything. She expressed in great detail what she thought she lost, thinking I wasn't listening, but I was. This is the least I can do for the girl I love.

Love.

For the girl I love.

I've wanted for the longest time to feel an ounce of love yet here I am pouring ounces of love I have for her into the simplest gesture. Hopefully when she finds these papers, she'll know that she was my first, last, and only love, because I will be long gone by then. I have to be. She'd be better off without me.

I hear footsteps heading back towards the room and know that it is her immediately. I make a quick step towards the door once it opens and manage to push her against it and lock it, a sudden wave of god knows what coursing through me.

I run my knuckle against her soft cheek and down the fabric that I find myself being jealous over and decide that it is now or never. I need to push her away before she even fathoms loving a monster like me.

"You need to forget me. Forget that I exist. What we did for one another was just a way to escape from out shitty lives. s**t is going to change and I need you to continue on without me. Leave our past in the past where it belongs?" I say which makes her beautiful hopeful face fall.

"What?" She gasps out, clinging the towel tighter against her body.

"I've been thinking about what I wanted and then when I finally decided, it hit me like a freight train that guys like Reeve win all the f*****g time. Broken asshole guys like me are stuck being alone for the rest of our lives. So, you are better off with Reeve. Upgrade Amber. You don't need me anymore, just like I don't need you." I spit out wanting nothing more than to vomit for what I just said. I need her more than anything, but she needs more than I can ever possibly give her.

"You can't be serious." She spits right back at me while I will myself to back away from her, immediately throwing my hands in my hair, beginning to pace back and forth thinking I am making a colossal mistake.

"I'm leaving." I say before my brain decides to shut down and stop me from breaking her heart entirely.

I am doing this for her. For her. Only her. Why does it feel wrong? Why does it feel like I am dying?

"No. No. You don't get to say you are leaving. You don't get to tear my heart out. No. Not you. Anybody else but not you!" She rushes to me and slams her fists into my chest. I grab her wrists and hold them so she can't continue to unleash her anger. She doesn't love me. She can't possibly love me. I am a nobody. I will always be a nobody. She deserves a somebody. Yet, why do I think she is telling me the truth? Did she fall for me like I have fallen for her?

"Don't for a second think that I will ever forgive you if you leave me. I told you that everyone I love always leaves me and here you are confirming my worst nightmare. Why suck me in only to spit me out huh?! What did I ever do to deserve that?! No. Just no. Take it back. Take it back Hunter! Take it back! Please!" She cries out and I nearly collapse from her confession.

"You can't mean a single word you are saying Amber. Look at us. We are two broken people that are just begging for one another to love. Do you honestly think there could be anything remotely related to love between us? I am severely damaged. I was put into this world only to decimate everything I touch. I can't give you what you want or deserve. I told you that we just needed each other to feel anything other than agony. It should have been one time but I was stupid enough to drag it out." I say to which she interrupts.

"I haven't felt any agony when I am with you! Can't you see that? Can't you feel my love for you? Are you seriously going to push me away just because you can't handle the fact that I am in love with you? You have made me feel things that I thought I would never feel again Hunter. It might have been for a few days, but to me it felt like a lifetime. How can you just stand there and tell me you don't need me? If you really believe that then go ahead. Walk out that door right now. My heart will shatter yes but I will mend the pieces." She says and I cannot form a valid sentence just watching her stand before me in a damn towel.

"What's wrong Hunter? Can't live up to your bullshit of wanting to leave? To busy wanting to tear off this towel from my body? You have five seconds to decide. Five." She says and I remain there frozen.

"Four."

"Three." She counts down to while also walking slowly towards me.

"Two."

"One." She says before dropping the towel down to the floor. She is in front of me. Completely mine for the taking.

"Zero." She says just above a whisper when I grab the back of her neck and crash my lips down to hers. I kiss her with everything I have. This isn't just an ordinary kiss. This kiss encompasses everything I have and continue to feel for her. She suctions my tongue into her mouth and twirls her own tongue around it making me growl into her, intwining it with her moans. She jumps straight into my arms and locks her legs around my waist. She rubs herself against the growing erection in my pants and she whimpers, loving the friction it provides. If I look down to see where she has been grinding against me, I'll only see a wet spot because I know she is dripping.

I walk her to the bed and drop when the backs of my legs hit it. She continues to straddle me and I watch as she moves dangerously slowly against my groin. She stops and the look she gives me is all filled with love and lust and the two together feel like I am drowning in what I have wanted to feel from somebody for most of my life. Especially the being loved part. I know she loves me. She loves me. The loser for life. How?

"Let me show you just how much you make me feel Hunter. Just feel the love I have for you, only you. Even it is for the last time." She says and my breath hitches, my mind going over and over the last seven words. She moves my shirt up and over my head while she immediately goes for the zipper to my pants. I buck my hips up and slide them down my legs only for her to attach her hand to my length. She pumps it up and down before lowering herself ever so slowly down me and once she is fully seated she pummels down to the hilt making us both moan out. She rides me like the goddess that she is while I work my hands up and down her body, across her stomach, wrapping my hands around her breasts and finally bringing her down to me for me to kiss her with once again everything I have to give.

We continue to just feel one another, kissing, making love, coming undone all throughout the night and when I wake up, the spot where she was supposed to be is ice cold. Was this how she felt when I left her? Had I dreamed the entire thing where I thought we worked out our problems? I rise out of bed to find her stuff is gone and the room now dead and void of her warmth. I quickly get dressed, wondering where the hell she could have gone when I follow her delectable scent to the room she was initially given. I stand at the slightly ajar door with my mouth open, trying to come up with something to say but no words seem to come out of my mouth. She turns her head like she knew I was there to look at me, yet her face is void of all emotion. Her eyes are once again dead. Her whole demeanor has taken a 360. Something's not right.

"Baby? Why are you in here? What's wrong?" I say as I make my way to her when she holds her hand up making me stop where I am. This is a look of where she has come to her senses. She walks towards me, places her hand on my chest and pushes me backwards out the door.

"You think I was going to take your words lightly Hunter? You allowed me to fall down your rabbit hole. You asked for an escape and I gave it to you. You knew just how broken I would become if I had let you in and you wanted to leave. I begged for you not to do anything to make me hate you. I fell for your complete and utter s**t only for you to stomp on my heart because you thought you weren't deserving enough for me. I am the only one who gets to decide who is deserving or not. You are my first love Hunter, well, were. Here I am telling you that this is it. You made it perfectly clear last night that you wanted to live a life alone so do that. Be alone. I wanted to give you my heart, my soul, my everything but all you saw was me being temporary to help the void within yourself and that right there isn't fair. There will be someone someday to deserve me, make no mistake, I will always love you Hunter, but I will not allow the one person I made to swear to never hurt me, abuse my love for them. Do me a favor. Figure yourself out before you allow someone else to fall in love with you. It'll save them the pain of ever loving you. Goodbye Hunter." She says before closing the door.

What the hell just happened? What the hell have I done? Did I just ruin the one good thing to ever happen to me? Now this, this right here, is the most unbearable pain there is. Even worse than knowing nobody else in this world will ever love you like your first and only love.