Irrevocably HERS

Chapter Five

Amber

Hunter asked to be my escape and what did I do? I completely caved. I took what he offered and held onto it like it was a lifeline. I shed my insecurities and allowed him into the mess that is inside my heart. I know it was a stupid move but how could I not accept? Whoever I was before this asshole came into my life was nothing compared to how I felt now. It feels like I am a brand new person and even though the feeling is strange and beyond what I could have possibly thought I could handle, I do not regret it.

The holidays have surpassed my wildest expectations. In years I never thought I could feel complete, or momentarily complete, without the need to feel heartache or blame. Do I sit and blame myself for the accident that took my parents away? Yes, every damn day, and the consequences are there to take once I close my eyes at night. I know I shouldn't be blaming myself, yet here I am for the past ten years thinking maybe if I hadn't asked my parents to play that stupid car game, maybe dad would have been more careful and not so distracted looking for something to spy for me. I find the most idiotic reasons to blame myself day in and day out. However, lately, I have been so engrossed with feeling something other than guilt that I think I am beginning to give myself some slack when it comes to my past. I know, I know. I sound and am being stupid. Believe me. I know, because there is this tiny inkling within me telling me that I have made a colossal mistake but it remains just that, a whisper in my brain. I never had someone in my corner before and now that I do, it is becoming easier for my mind and heart to come to the conclusion that it was never my fault at all.

For the few days where I haven't needed to dive into a full blown depression, yet again, knowing it is yet another holiday without my parents, without their love anchoring me to this world, my heart has grown twice it's size being curled up in Hunters arms every night, most of the days, and even during them. There hasn't been a moment where we didn't sneak off away from the others and find ourselves diving into each other. Him savoring every moment while feasting on me like a man starved and I him taking everything he has to offer me. We have made each other soar to new heights, roaring our releases in unison, only for him to pull me up and smash his lips to mine, never wanting to release me from his hold. It has felt like maybe I was his missing piece within his existence and if he released me, I'd simply drift away. He would stare directly into my eyes and without missing a beat, would once again penetrate me to the hilt and I would automatically be lost in the sensation of our bodies molding into one and falling into complete oblivion with him, over and over again. What can I say? We have been highly insatiable.

All throughout the vacation where me being practically melded to him was an all out aphrodisiac on my part, I didn't notice the moment that once it was all over, the morning where our reality of going back to school came knocking on our door, that the bubble we had created quickly popped, with him getting out of bed, not once looking my way, and beginning the day in absolute silence, much like we had done prior to our coming together.

I did not understand the immediate shift, nor did I want to read anything into it. I thought that maybe he had felt what I had felt for him, at least enough to not pull away from me as if I were some kind of disease. I get he was never going to be an open book because even though we were close, we never once spoke about our pasts. I guess it was both a physical experience between us but the fact of the matter is, I allowed myself to feel. I allowed myself to play with fire and look where it has gotten me. I seemingly have crashed and now am being burned.

Now, back in reality, heading to school separately like he nor I owned every inch of our bodies. Does it mess with my mind? Abso-f*****g-lutely. Does it eat away at me that for some strange reason I wanted it to keep going? Of course. I share a damn room with the guy. If he thought he was going to throw me aside like trash and make me feel like nothing, I would have never agreed to any of it. I deflate back into myself once I am back at school. I stand outside the place that I have called my final stomping ground for about ten minutes since I am an early bird, and just space out, only to be swept back into the here and now by Reeve, a kid that has had some of the same classes as me, who doesn't ostracize me because of who I am and where I live.

"Hey Amber, how was your vacation?" He says and I give him a slight smile, pretending to be happy. Will I elaborate or even show how fantastic I thought it was to be considered somebody's someone even if it were for only a little while? Not a chance in hell. That's something I will take to the grave now I suppose, because I am once again a nobody.

"Highly uneventful. Not much a holiday person. Did catch up on some much needed sleep though. How about you?" I say as I hike up my backpack and begin to walk knowing the bell is about to signal the start of the new semester. He follows beside me step by step as we walk towards the main entrance together.

"Family, as always, went over the top with decorations and even had fake snow flying all over the living room. Don't even get me started with the massive confetti that took us a whole day to vacuum up come New Years. So to sum it all up, it was tiring, exhausting, an all out decorative disaster." He says with a chuckle and I actually hear myself joining him by laughing softly. I needed something to laugh to. I've been too far gone with the conflicting emotions that I haven't allowed myself to ever just be happy. I honestly haven't heard myself laugh in such a long time that the sound is foreign to me. The time that I have laughed as much as I could was when Hunter discovered I was ticklish. See, here I go again. Overthinking the meaning behind the escape we provided one another. Who was I to ever think that we were more than just a fling?

We make our way down the hall to where my locker is and I watch as his eyes sparkle while he leans against the locker next to mine and just waits for me to gather my binder and a pen and walks me to my first class of the day, which happens to also be his.

I'm happy to know that I have someone to talk to albeit knowing that I probably won't have many classes with him this term, which is unfortunate because he is one of the good guys. One of the nicest to me. Conversations with him are easy enough because I don't fall into details of my life unlike how I had with the broody loner when we were in our own little bubble, knowing that he is somewhere lurking, spying on my friendly demeanor towards someone that is not him. Maybe it is for the best though.

"So, I was thinking, well, pretty much thinking all during the vacation since, ummmm...-let me just ask already instead of mumbling. I was wondering if you would like to maybe hang out some time?" He asks before the teacher waltzes in, demanding all eyes on him and mouths shut for the remainder of the period. I give him a slight smirk and open my binder to the first page, seeing something written on the first line.

Whatever happens, you are solely mine.

XX Hunter

My insides quiver at the realization that maybe, just maybe, we can form the bubble again. I know I shouldn't expect anything more than he gave me, but this right here is a smidge of an indication that he does quite possibly want more, right? No. I can't allow myself to be optimistic. It was nothing more than time where we both wanted to feel something other than just the pain we were stifling our bodies with. He doesn't want to be anchored down by someone like me that will use him as a lifeline with the way he made me feel these past few days. I didn't know I could take a full breathe without inviting a panic attack which has so many times brought me back to that day. I don't even remember waking up terrified because I knew he was there. He was always right there next to me, holding me, comforting me, allowing me to breathe him in, telling my mind and heart that I was temporarily going to be okay. Was I just setting myself up for failure from the start? If this morning was any indication to have any hope, I don't think it was a good sign.

Should I really hold on to hope where he could want to continue what we had? From what I can tell, he has longed to feel an ounce of love just to know what it feels like for only a minute, and I longed to continue to be that for him. I don't dare say those words because if I ever said them, I want them to be said without hesitation. I wasn't trying to fall head over heels with someone who offered me an escape from my agony, but telling that to myself now is like telling someone that the sky isn't blue. I have fallen in love with him and I honestly hope that with this little note that he has left me, that he maybe has fallen for me too. There is still a gravitational pull between us, no matter how much distance we put between each other.

Once we graduate, we can maybe start a real life together. No. What am I saying? See? This thought right here is codependency on a person who might not even want what I want. No. I need to lock that s**t far far back into a dark crevice of my mind. I am not going to continue to hope. It wouldn't be fair. I am damning myself right now. No. Stop overthinking Amber. Just stop. He gave you a moment of peace. Enjoy it. Cherish it. Move on. Damnit, I don't even know for the life of me what the teacher is rambling on about because I am too invested on the what if's of my romantic life.

"Here. Copy my notes. I see you were looking out of it." Reeve says as he passes me his paper. I give him another small smile and quickly jot down whatever he has written. I hand back his paper as the teacher calls on me to explain why the thought of Shakespeares Romeo and Juliet is your modern day classic cliche.

"Ms. Amber. Please explain to the class why Romeo and Juliet serves as the ultimate cliche as to young ones nowadays." He asks to which I find myself with a dry throat. I need to try and come out of my shell. The sooner I do, the sooner school will be out for good and I won't have to be continuously judged by everyone around me. I can finally start anew.

"Romeo and Juliet is your classic cliche because it is about a forbidden love. Romeo shouldn't want Juliet or vice versa because they are from two very different stations. She is of high importance and he is just a commoner. However, even with knowing just that, it shouldn't be fair for anyone to judge them. If his heart lies solely for her than nobody should have said otherwise. To love someone with all your heart is by far the rarest thing in life. To know someone would die for you and you would die for them is the ultimate kind of love that should be impenetrable. They were doomed from the start yet loved with everything they had while knowing they were fated to die without one another." I say which only garners stares.

"Who knew you were so deep?" Reeve whispers as the teacher gives me a smile, nodding his head up and down in agreement of my statement.

"Alright class, at that note, each of you is to describe the meaning of everlasting love in just as much detail as Amber has given. Amber, you are exempt from that activity since you have already answered. The rest of you better have a damn near convincing argument as Amber." The teacher says before the bell rings. I close my binder and walk on out only to crash into a brick wall. My breath hitches when I realize it was Hunter and not a wall. Reeve walks up behind me and I can feel him place his hand on the small of my back which triggers Hunter's eyes to look directly at the move.

"I don't think we have the next class together but if you want, I can walk you to yours." Reeve says but before I can answer, Hunter stakes his claim with a tone that should make Reeve tremble with fear, yet, doesn't.

"I'll walk her." He says, latching his hand onto mine. Reeve looks questionably at it but doesn't ask any questions.

"Think about what I asked before okay? I really hope you agree Amber." He says before turning around to walk the opposite direction of the way I am about to go, with Hunter still holding onto me. I can feel the tension between us and it makes me slightly uncomfortable. When we reach my class, which he oddly knows, he moves in front of me to pin me to the wall. I watch as he wants to run his finger through my hair and move it behind my ear. His fascination with my hair and how he has to hold onto it whenever we were in bed makes me want him to do just that, but he doesn't. From another point of view, he is just being his usual domineering self. To me, he is being something I need him to be, who he has been behind our closed door. I can see the fight he is having with himself. It was only temporary. We were only temporary.

"Did Reeve ask you out?" He says with such a disgusted tone that I frown at him using it.

"Yes." I say just above a whisper.

"What was your answer?" He says without blinking or taking his eyes away from mine.

"I didn't give him one." I quickly say yet nothing remotely changes with the way he is looking at me. I am not sure if he wants to devour me or just break me. Before I can say anything, he moves away from me so fast and high tails it out of there like his ass was on fire. I contemplate on following him but I will myself not to. He wanted temporary. He wasn't asking for forever. I need to come to terms with that. I need to.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur. I do not even remember coming home since I have been on autopilot since my encounter with the enigma. I make my way to the room to find it empty. I sigh and drop my book bag down onto the bed and fish out my binder to begin my homework once I have taken a shower. I grab my towel and make my way to the bathroom, enter, and lock myself away for a moment of peace where the hot water will definitely melt away my troubles. I wash, rinse and shut the water once I know I am feeling a smidge better and gather my towel, wrapping it around my body and make my way back to my room. Once I am in, I am immediately pushed against the door, a small whimper escaping my mouth when I hear the lock turn and Hunter's full blown lust filled gaze is on me.

His knuckles roam against my cheek and make their way down, running across the length of the towel that is wrapped around my body. I am practically caged in and all I can smell is his intoxicating cologne that makes my mouth water. Before I can even think about falling into his arms, his words are like a bucket of cold water that he has dumped all over me.

"You need to forget me. Forget that I exist. What we did for one another was just a way to escape from our shitty lives. s**t is going to change and I need you to continue on without me. Leave our past in the past where it belongs." He says which makes my lust filled fog haze drop in an instant.

"What?" I gasp out, clinging the towel tighter against my body, feeling insecure about myself right now.

"I've been thinking about what I wanted and then when I finally decided, it hit me like a damn freight train that guys like Reeve win all the f*****g time. Broken asshole guys like me are stuck being alone for the rest of our lives. So, you are better off with Reeve. Upgrade Amber. You don't need me anymore, just like I don't need you." He spits out which makes me want to punch him with everything I have.

"You can't be serious." I spit out watching him back away from me, hands in his hair, pacing back and forth.

"I'm leaving." He says.

Whatever air I had in my lungs has officially been knocked right the hell out of me.

Told you.

Hope is one fickle b***h.